Sorry?... No more...
Been a while.
Everytime I sit down and think I know what I'll write, I get lost in the words, or the internet cuts out on me. At any rate, I'm not going to worry about how much I post today or what I talk about...just that I'm posting.
Recently, I've decided, in trying to be a feminist, that when in an argument about sexist behavior or feminist ideals with one of my idiot friends, I will no longer back down. I will now refuse to say I'm sorry. This vow was put to the test the other night, let me tell you. Talking with another idiot Canadian friend online and he laments that his long-distance girlfriend is now dating someone locally while still dating him. Oh, but she's going to break up with local boy and come visit my friend in a couple weeks, no worries. I asked him when he became such a fucking doormat, which I think he sort of resented. (He's the kind of guy who really doesn't want to talk to you unless you're going to hold his hand, sing his praises, and admit what a huge crush you must obviously have on him because he's such a fucking stud-- every time you talk.) He went on to explain that the whole deal is just all his fault, emphasizing how utterly TRAGIC it was that he didn't go see her after two years of online dating (I guess there was a family emergency and he couldn't go see her right off) and how he told her that she should visit him first. Because, of course, nothing says "Yeah, go ahead and cheat on me" like being unavailable to visit someone right this fucking second.
I think he really wanted me to say, "Oh...poor you! You shouldn't believe that! You did absolutely everything you could and your demands aren't too taxing. She's wrong/evil/manipulative/the worst bitch and you're just such a big stud muffin, she doesn't know what she's missing out on." I didn't say that, thankfully. (I could totally see myself 5 years ago spewing that shit, hoping that he'd like me more than her. Thank god for hard-earned sanity.)
Further along in the conversation, he explained how she's coming to visit in a few weeks and they're going to see if it will work out. What a fantastic(ally stupid) idea.
He then basically said, "And we're going to have sex when she comes, no matter what. She wants me bad, I know it, and I'll be damned if I went through two years of a relationship with her and get nothing physical out of it."
At which point, I went utter batshit crazy and said, "You better DAMN sure have her permission."
He said I was being a dick, accusing him of being a rapist. Now, if it were five years ago, a "sorry" would have been the first thing out of me. This time, I replied with, "You're the one who laid that dialogue out. That sounds like sexist, rapist bullshit to me." (ee! pride)
Surprisingly, he didn't put up more of a fight than that, mostly just claiming that, "how dare [I] accuse [him] of that, [I've] known [him] longer than that, better than that, [he'd] never do such a thing."
The last little bit of whining he did was at the end of the conversation, saying "Well, I don't want to talk about this anymore anyway. I said I didn't want to talk about her to begin."
I said, "Alrighty then."
He thanked me for being there for him and for talking to him and for offering advice. "But I'm still pissed about that rapist thing," he quipped.
I didn't say anything and let him stew in his own self-made fury.
"You think I'm an idiot, don't you," was the next challenge.
"Nope, I don't," I replied. At that point, I'd more decided on "moron for trying to goad me into apologizing to you," but I didn't think he was an idiot. The conversation ended there, as he didn't seem to want to talk to me anymore and I wasn't going to offer up anything else.
This was a small, insignificant victory in the long run of things, but I'm still so proud of myself, so emboldened and fierce! It's a really huge step to not offer up so much as a "This is what I believe, but I see where you're coming from" so as not to piss him off. Be damned, world! I will piss you off! I am becoming the feminist I want to be, little by little. I just need to keep reading, keep surrounding myself with feminists, and soon I'll be able to fight the good verbal fight and not even think about men's poor little feelings. After all, they never did think about mine.
I wish I could have had this much of myself years ago, when I was fighting with Rob...to have never said "I'm sorry" to him. He never deserved it. But he's done all the assholish, mentally abusive things that people in emotionally abusive relationships talk about to me. He strung me along for years. He talked about women he liked or was flirting with to me. He always found an argument in everything. He never said he was sorry, even if he was wrong. He chastised my good fortune, or experiences as a normal teenager, simply because he'd never done those things himself. He told me, "You're not like other girls." And for every, "I really like you," there was always a, "But I'd love you if you were [her] or had [her] traits."
I have to stop for a second after writing that one out. It's something I wrote down in Irene's character description regarding her relationship with her boyfriend, Chad. I guess I never thought how much she really is me. While I'm so proud of myself for becoming this strong, feminist woman, a part of me really regrets that I'll never be able to beat Rob down the way he did me. I know, though, that even if I yell at him, even if I get mad at him, even if I scream every honest to god truth I know at him, he won't understand. He's an ignorant, ignorant man. It's not just that he's never been taught any better; he out and out refuses to see things for how they are. Little things like, "Women have faked orgasms during phone sex with you" is an utter revelation for him. He seems to think the whole world revolves around him and his needs and his wants and his desires, everybody else be damned. I remember how upset I was when we would have cyber sex (It was a long time ago) or phone sex and he'd get off, and I'd be sitting there...waiting. And he'd start to end the conversation! Like that was it! I'd say, "But what about me? I want to get off too." And he'd carry on about how he didn't have any energy left, and how could I expect him to do that. Besides, he doesn't want to go down on girls or touch more than their boobs because that's just gross and not something he ever thought he'd have do. At the time I just begrudgingly accepted it, basically reasoning that even if they show it on the porno, it probably didn't happen in real life...and at least he paid attention to me a little. It's not like I needed him to get off. The more I think about it now, though, the more it infuriates me. It's so insensitive. It's so selfish. It's so sexist. It's just downright impolite! He's a bastard.
I'm going to go now, as I don't know what else to say this second. More next month, probably. :p
Everytime I sit down and think I know what I'll write, I get lost in the words, or the internet cuts out on me. At any rate, I'm not going to worry about how much I post today or what I talk about...just that I'm posting.
Recently, I've decided, in trying to be a feminist, that when in an argument about sexist behavior or feminist ideals with one of my idiot friends, I will no longer back down. I will now refuse to say I'm sorry. This vow was put to the test the other night, let me tell you. Talking with another idiot Canadian friend online and he laments that his long-distance girlfriend is now dating someone locally while still dating him. Oh, but she's going to break up with local boy and come visit my friend in a couple weeks, no worries. I asked him when he became such a fucking doormat, which I think he sort of resented. (He's the kind of guy who really doesn't want to talk to you unless you're going to hold his hand, sing his praises, and admit what a huge crush you must obviously have on him because he's such a fucking stud-- every time you talk.) He went on to explain that the whole deal is just all his fault, emphasizing how utterly TRAGIC it was that he didn't go see her after two years of online dating (I guess there was a family emergency and he couldn't go see her right off) and how he told her that she should visit him first. Because, of course, nothing says "Yeah, go ahead and cheat on me" like being unavailable to visit someone right this fucking second.
I think he really wanted me to say, "Oh...poor you! You shouldn't believe that! You did absolutely everything you could and your demands aren't too taxing. She's wrong/evil/manipulative/the worst bitch and you're just such a big stud muffin, she doesn't know what she's missing out on." I didn't say that, thankfully. (I could totally see myself 5 years ago spewing that shit, hoping that he'd like me more than her. Thank god for hard-earned sanity.)
Further along in the conversation, he explained how she's coming to visit in a few weeks and they're going to see if it will work out. What a fantastic(ally stupid) idea.
He then basically said, "And we're going to have sex when she comes, no matter what. She wants me bad, I know it, and I'll be damned if I went through two years of a relationship with her and get nothing physical out of it."
At which point, I went utter batshit crazy and said, "You better DAMN sure have her permission."
He said I was being a dick, accusing him of being a rapist. Now, if it were five years ago, a "sorry" would have been the first thing out of me. This time, I replied with, "You're the one who laid that dialogue out. That sounds like sexist, rapist bullshit to me." (ee! pride)
Surprisingly, he didn't put up more of a fight than that, mostly just claiming that, "how dare [I] accuse [him] of that, [I've] known [him] longer than that, better than that, [he'd] never do such a thing."
The last little bit of whining he did was at the end of the conversation, saying "Well, I don't want to talk about this anymore anyway. I said I didn't want to talk about her to begin."
I said, "Alrighty then."
He thanked me for being there for him and for talking to him and for offering advice. "But I'm still pissed about that rapist thing," he quipped.
I didn't say anything and let him stew in his own self-made fury.
"You think I'm an idiot, don't you," was the next challenge.
"Nope, I don't," I replied. At that point, I'd more decided on "moron for trying to goad me into apologizing to you," but I didn't think he was an idiot. The conversation ended there, as he didn't seem to want to talk to me anymore and I wasn't going to offer up anything else.
This was a small, insignificant victory in the long run of things, but I'm still so proud of myself, so emboldened and fierce! It's a really huge step to not offer up so much as a "This is what I believe, but I see where you're coming from" so as not to piss him off. Be damned, world! I will piss you off! I am becoming the feminist I want to be, little by little. I just need to keep reading, keep surrounding myself with feminists, and soon I'll be able to fight the good verbal fight and not even think about men's poor little feelings. After all, they never did think about mine.
I wish I could have had this much of myself years ago, when I was fighting with Rob...to have never said "I'm sorry" to him. He never deserved it. But he's done all the assholish, mentally abusive things that people in emotionally abusive relationships talk about to me. He strung me along for years. He talked about women he liked or was flirting with to me. He always found an argument in everything. He never said he was sorry, even if he was wrong. He chastised my good fortune, or experiences as a normal teenager, simply because he'd never done those things himself. He told me, "You're not like other girls." And for every, "I really like you," there was always a, "But I'd love you if you were [her] or had [her] traits."
I have to stop for a second after writing that one out. It's something I wrote down in Irene's character description regarding her relationship with her boyfriend, Chad. I guess I never thought how much she really is me. While I'm so proud of myself for becoming this strong, feminist woman, a part of me really regrets that I'll never be able to beat Rob down the way he did me. I know, though, that even if I yell at him, even if I get mad at him, even if I scream every honest to god truth I know at him, he won't understand. He's an ignorant, ignorant man. It's not just that he's never been taught any better; he out and out refuses to see things for how they are. Little things like, "Women have faked orgasms during phone sex with you" is an utter revelation for him. He seems to think the whole world revolves around him and his needs and his wants and his desires, everybody else be damned. I remember how upset I was when we would have cyber sex (It was a long time ago) or phone sex and he'd get off, and I'd be sitting there...waiting. And he'd start to end the conversation! Like that was it! I'd say, "But what about me? I want to get off too." And he'd carry on about how he didn't have any energy left, and how could I expect him to do that. Besides, he doesn't want to go down on girls or touch more than their boobs because that's just gross and not something he ever thought he'd have do. At the time I just begrudgingly accepted it, basically reasoning that even if they show it on the porno, it probably didn't happen in real life...and at least he paid attention to me a little. It's not like I needed him to get off. The more I think about it now, though, the more it infuriates me. It's so insensitive. It's so selfish. It's so sexist. It's just downright impolite! He's a bastard.
I'm going to go now, as I don't know what else to say this second. More next month, probably. :p
posted by sweetnfat at 12:00 PM
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