A poem, after a brief hiatus

I never know what to say when I sit right here.
It's when I'm driving in my car
when I'm in the shower
when I'm at work, in the kitchen, all alone
Then the words come to me
Then the thoughts flow

I've been thinking a lot lately
About what a failure I've become
and about how I'm not the same person I was

I despair,
seeing no light in the tunnel.
I mourn
the loss of something I'm not even certain is gone.
I look
for hope, for inspiration, for some fleeting sign

As I write this, I'm not upset.
I feel a sense of duty.
I can feel you wondering, as you look at these words on another screen somewhere:
"How is she? What's gone wrong with her now?"
I'm not upset.

I feel this fear of the future in the back of my mind, a tension regarding what's to come.
I worry, really only, that I will disappoint those I love
that they'll stop believing in me
they'll stop rooting for me.
I think
I want to believe in myself.

He's really quiet lately.
He sits with his face twisted, as though pondering something unpleasant.
Steely, as when he was mad at me.
I ask, and his voice gives no sign of ill feeling.
I can't help but look sad. I worry.
I want you to love me
Love me, not be obligated to love me
Sometimes it's hard to figure out.

I want so much
but I feel like I never give enough.
I feel like I'm taking
Like I'm selfish
and I don't want to be.
And still I catch myself at times, wallowing in my own martyrdom.
But please, let me continue to reach for you.
I know I'm trying
and I'm frustrating
and disappointing, but
please love me still.

The world and success seem to slip farther and farther away every day.
I stare at blank pages for weeks
and curse the ones I've marked.
I drive to
and hate my job
and from
and am too afraid to leave it.
I see classmates
with benefits
with rings
with children
with something more to say
I'm not jealous, I'm disappointed in myself. I should be more successful now.

I wonder:
Am I young?
Am I young enough to let mistakes roll off me as mistakes?
Am I young enough to learn?
Am I young enough to change?

It seems like the days are catching up to me.
It seems like the weeks are shorter than they ever were.
It seems like the years couldn't have possibly gone by.
And yet
I have nothing to show
but a few pages I didn't draw myself.

I need some confidence.
I need to feel like I'm doing the right thing(s).
But I don't want to ask.
I'm not looking for a compliment.
I just want to go farther.
I just want to succeed.

Not much of a poem, but there are my feelings, there is my news, there is my update. Thank you. Stay tuned.

Love, Erin