Love me

I'm in a bit of a weird funk right now, emotionally.

I've been having dreams where nothing really happens, but I wake up feeling as though a ton of emotions have swept over me. I feel very dramatic and often very drained. I have this inner sense like I should hold onto, acknowledge, and do something about these unconscious emotions with no symbolic attachments (seriously, my dreams are like, I'm late to work and driving in the rain, and I have to leave the house...nothing major happens). I guess I put too much stock into the significance of dreams. But a big part of me wants some spiritual connection to the supernatural/fantastic, however unreliable. When I was like, 10 or 12 I used to really believe that I was this mystical princess, and that a better, more dramatic, more magical life waited for me at the age of 24. Now, at 21, mired in the realities of payments and problems and no way out, I almost feel embarrassed about convincing myself of the whole thing. I knew, even at that age, that you can't "create" a fate or reality...it happens to you and with you, by what you do, not what you say will happen. But I still want to believe that there's something magical left. I feel, sometimes, like there's a world I'm seeing when I dream...and I come so close to really being there, really being magical, but I'm so aware that I'm dreaming...Ha. We'll see what happens when I turn 24.

I've been revamping our old Windows 95 machine with all its old games. I'm planning on selling it as a kids' game computer, but part of me is having so much fun, I almost don't want to sell it! I had to delete a bunch of old files. I looked back through my old chat records. I'm shaking my head just thinking about it. GOD. goodfuckingLORD...
I was a stupid kid. I have to give myself the benefit of the doubt that I really didn't know better when it came to dealing with men...I have grown up so much. Looking at how I allowed my emotions to be toyed with, manipulated...it breaks my heart all over again...I wish I could go back and show myself the reality of it all...but that is how we learn, I guess. I deleted them.
I hate seeing how desperate I was...and I hate realizing how desperate I still am, just for a little attention, a little unprovoked affection. When I get depressed lately, I hear in my head over and over, "I wish someone would just love me...would love me more than I love them...would tell me I'm beautiful without me asking...I wish I was beautiful...I wish I was loved." I still don't feel loved. I feel like it's all an obligation, and I know that feeling is just my insecurity, but...I still wish. I HATE feeling so dependent on the actions and emotions of others...I wish I could just be satisfied with myself.
So...wah, wah, wah...I need a hug. Anyway...the comic has come to screeching halt as I deal with this crazy depression thing...not that it matters anyway because I again have to wait on Jon...this time he's doing stuff for JLA...I just hope he remembers me when he gets done, 'cause I'd love to get the ball rolling again.
I feel like I've gotten off my track. I've got kind of a headache. I've been bleeding like fucking crazy lately...like, gushing, not to be gross or anything...but...ugh. It's exhausting, and depressing, and I hate it. Tell me again why I can't have a hysterectomy? Perimenopause sounds like it'd be better than this any day...I never used to have cramps either.*sigh*

More soon. I'm feeling unloved now.

Why do you love me?

I'm going to keep this one short. I've got hiccups and it's cold in here.

But my relationship with Dave is so weird. Everytime I think it's one way, it's another. Unpredictable, I guess you could call it.

Last night, snuggling in the bedroom, we came to the old "Why do you love me" conversation in pillow talk, and Dave said something that really shook me.

"Because you're doing what you want to do. You're doing what you love. And I want to help you do that."

Wow.

Holy shit. Every time I think he's not paying attention and being selfish and never thinking of me, he says weird shit like that, real life-affirming observations.
It made me feel really, really, tremendously good to be told that. Good is putting it lightly.
I feel really geared for this comic. Only a few more scenes, and I'll be ready to call Jon up and ask about another meeting. God, I want to do this. I want to succeed at it, especially because so many people really, truly believe in and love me.

Thank you, Dave. I love you.