Love me
I'm in a bit of a weird funk right now, emotionally.
I've been having dreams where nothing really happens, but I wake up feeling as though a ton of emotions have swept over me. I feel very dramatic and often very drained. I have this inner sense like I should hold onto, acknowledge, and do something about these unconscious emotions with no symbolic attachments (seriously, my dreams are like, I'm late to work and driving in the rain, and I have to leave the house...nothing major happens). I guess I put too much stock into the significance of dreams. But a big part of me wants some spiritual connection to the supernatural/fantastic, however unreliable. When I was like, 10 or 12 I used to really believe that I was this mystical princess, and that a better, more dramatic, more magical life waited for me at the age of 24. Now, at 21, mired in the realities of payments and problems and no way out, I almost feel embarrassed about convincing myself of the whole thing. I knew, even at that age, that you can't "create" a fate or reality...it happens to you and with you, by what you do, not what you say will happen. But I still want to believe that there's something magical left. I feel, sometimes, like there's a world I'm seeing when I dream...and I come so close to really being there, really being magical, but I'm so aware that I'm dreaming...Ha. We'll see what happens when I turn 24.
I've been revamping our old Windows 95 machine with all its old games. I'm planning on selling it as a kids' game computer, but part of me is having so much fun, I almost don't want to sell it! I had to delete a bunch of old files. I looked back through my old chat records. I'm shaking my head just thinking about it. GOD. goodfuckingLORD...
I was a stupid kid. I have to give myself the benefit of the doubt that I really didn't know better when it came to dealing with men...I have grown up so much. Looking at how I allowed my emotions to be toyed with, manipulated...it breaks my heart all over again...I wish I could go back and show myself the reality of it all...but that is how we learn, I guess. I deleted them.
I hate seeing how desperate I was...and I hate realizing how desperate I still am, just for a little attention, a little unprovoked affection. When I get depressed lately, I hear in my head over and over, "I wish someone would just love me...would love me more than I love them...would tell me I'm beautiful without me asking...I wish I was beautiful...I wish I was loved." I still don't feel loved. I feel like it's all an obligation, and I know that feeling is just my insecurity, but...I still wish. I HATE feeling so dependent on the actions and emotions of others...I wish I could just be satisfied with myself.
So...wah, wah, wah...I need a hug. Anyway...the comic has come to screeching halt as I deal with this crazy depression thing...not that it matters anyway because I again have to wait on Jon...this time he's doing stuff for JLA...I just hope he remembers me when he gets done, 'cause I'd love to get the ball rolling again.
I feel like I've gotten off my track. I've got kind of a headache. I've been bleeding like fucking crazy lately...like, gushing, not to be gross or anything...but...ugh. It's exhausting, and depressing, and I hate it. Tell me again why I can't have a hysterectomy? Perimenopause sounds like it'd be better than this any day...I never used to have cramps either.*sigh*
More soon. I'm feeling unloved now.
I've been having dreams where nothing really happens, but I wake up feeling as though a ton of emotions have swept over me. I feel very dramatic and often very drained. I have this inner sense like I should hold onto, acknowledge, and do something about these unconscious emotions with no symbolic attachments (seriously, my dreams are like, I'm late to work and driving in the rain, and I have to leave the house...nothing major happens). I guess I put too much stock into the significance of dreams. But a big part of me wants some spiritual connection to the supernatural/fantastic, however unreliable. When I was like, 10 or 12 I used to really believe that I was this mystical princess, and that a better, more dramatic, more magical life waited for me at the age of 24. Now, at 21, mired in the realities of payments and problems and no way out, I almost feel embarrassed about convincing myself of the whole thing. I knew, even at that age, that you can't "create" a fate or reality...it happens to you and with you, by what you do, not what you say will happen. But I still want to believe that there's something magical left. I feel, sometimes, like there's a world I'm seeing when I dream...and I come so close to really being there, really being magical, but I'm so aware that I'm dreaming...Ha. We'll see what happens when I turn 24.
I've been revamping our old Windows 95 machine with all its old games. I'm planning on selling it as a kids' game computer, but part of me is having so much fun, I almost don't want to sell it! I had to delete a bunch of old files. I looked back through my old chat records. I'm shaking my head just thinking about it. GOD. goodfuckingLORD...
I was a stupid kid. I have to give myself the benefit of the doubt that I really didn't know better when it came to dealing with men...I have grown up so much. Looking at how I allowed my emotions to be toyed with, manipulated...it breaks my heart all over again...I wish I could go back and show myself the reality of it all...but that is how we learn, I guess. I deleted them.
I hate seeing how desperate I was...and I hate realizing how desperate I still am, just for a little attention, a little unprovoked affection. When I get depressed lately, I hear in my head over and over, "I wish someone would just love me...would love me more than I love them...would tell me I'm beautiful without me asking...I wish I was beautiful...I wish I was loved." I still don't feel loved. I feel like it's all an obligation, and I know that feeling is just my insecurity, but...I still wish. I HATE feeling so dependent on the actions and emotions of others...I wish I could just be satisfied with myself.
So...wah, wah, wah...I need a hug. Anyway...the comic has come to screeching halt as I deal with this crazy depression thing...not that it matters anyway because I again have to wait on Jon...this time he's doing stuff for JLA...I just hope he remembers me when he gets done, 'cause I'd love to get the ball rolling again.
I feel like I've gotten off my track. I've got kind of a headache. I've been bleeding like fucking crazy lately...like, gushing, not to be gross or anything...but...ugh. It's exhausting, and depressing, and I hate it. Tell me again why I can't have a hysterectomy? Perimenopause sounds like it'd be better than this any day...I never used to have cramps either.*sigh*
More soon. I'm feeling unloved now.
posted by sweetnfat at 9:29 PM
1 Comments:
*hugs*
you = teh awesome.
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