Bad girl
It's been a trying time since I last wrote.
Christmas went alright. I made a table for my parents that was a little more than embarrassing in the final product, but they seem to appreciate it. I got a whole bunch of stuff from everybody, but the more I experience it and think on it, I'd just as soon do away with the whole notion of gift receiving. I generally have a grand ol' time giving gifts to people I'm close to, but I'm increasingly uncomfortable giving gifts to those I hardly know, and receiving gifts from everyone just on the principle of traditional obligation. It's a bunch of shit that I don't need. I appreciate the time and thought and effort of it all...but it just feels awkward to me.
Still working my dead-end job at Burkettville. I love being there, and I hate it. I know I need something better, but it's just so heartbreaking to leave something I've been so committed to for almost three years.
I tried to get a job at T-Mobile, but was shot down in the last run of the race. Dee, a woman who visits the store quite often, mentioned to me that she works at T-Mobile and suggested that I put in an application. The call center is much closer to Albion. The pay would be better. There would be benefits. I figured, what the hell, and went for it. I felt especially confident, knowing that Dee would help me through the process. So, I went in and she gave me a tour of the place, I took the special testing (it was math and typing, nothing major), and had an interview, all in the course of a week. The interviewer told me that I'd hear back from them in 7-10 days, and her utterly perky demeanor had me fooled into thinking the whole thing went well.
I saw Dee the next weekend and happily told her the outcome of my week's worth of efforts and trekking back and forth to the facility. She sadly told me that I was not going to be referred. She had talked to "tanya", the interviewer, and she had refused to divulge an explanation. I was a bit broken-hearted to say the least. Dave's done customer service representation before and told me, "A blind, retarded monkey could do that job." Nothing makes you feel more worthless than when you can't get the job that the blind, retarded monkey was qualified to do. I understand that the whole thing was out of Dee's hands, otherwise she would have hired me on the spot, but the whole thing has left me as crushed as the other 50 interviews I went to this summer, where no one at all would hire me.
I cried in the kitchen the rest of the night. I was lucky I found out after the kitchen was closed so I could just hang my head in the sink and pretend to be busy washing dishes while I was upset. When I finally got home that night, I just felt angry that "tanya" had put on such an accepting, happy face, had lied right to me by telling me that she looked forward to seeing me again, that she had deemed me so unworthy for a job that I was more than qualified to perform. I guess I have a chance to re-apply in three months. I'm hoping that doesn't mean that I have to do all that bullshit all over again, but I guess I will. It's not like I really want the job, I just need what the job has to offer.
The whole experience left me feeling that familiar pang of unworthiness and led me back to the familiar thoughts of submission. I don't understand it really, but when I'm at a low, I just want to feel even lower. I reconnected with someone who shares this passion, and whom I still find very attractive. I didn't do anything harmful, but I'm still not proud of it. I wouldn't appreciate it if Dave did it with someone else, so it is technically cheating.
I'm not proud of it, too, because it goes against so much of what I'm trying to learn about feminism. These strong, feminist women have let go of those notions that they need to be submissive, that it's the only role open to women, and yet I seek it out. It's part of the reason I don't reply to ginmar's blog; how can someone speak against something she actively seeks?
It felt good, though, in the wrenching way that it does. For all my inner struggle and turmoil with even the concept of d/s, it's something that's very natural to me, and is very satisfying in the right experience. I feel so insatiable, like it's so wrong to want it this much and to not be satisfied with what I have. But at the same time, I think I am genuinely sexually frustrated.
I hate only doing it late at night just before we go to sleep. I'm tired then. I want to sleep. I want to fuck in the afternoon, in the morning, when I'm conscious and alert and really enjoy it and don't just want it to be over so I can finally get to sleep. I hate wanting to be dominated so bad, but not liking when Dave does it. Lord knows he means well, but I just can't see him that way. I hate that sometimes, he won't touch my vagina at all, except to be inside me. I hate that it's just fucking over when he comes and that's it, and I take too long and he wants a cigarette, so he's not going to even stick around and help out afterward if I want to come too. I hate feeling like I ought to just be thankful that I'm with somebody. It's not that bad, I know it's not, but it's not really that great either. I feel lost, really unvalued and uncherished, like I've just been settled for. I feel disconnected from everybody in a way that I can't repair. I want to feel special, I want to feel needed, I want to feel like I'm worth everything in the world to somebody, but I fear that I'm not ever going to feel that. I think, in a large part, that I put myself out of the circle I'm so desperate to be in. It's hard to judge whether I'm just being an emotional, self-destroying wreck, or I'm really in a bad place at all. I'm feeling pretty bad right now, but in the same run, I'm feeling slightly justified with all the inner confusion.
Sometimes, in my wildest fantasies, I think I could do it all without anybody. Think of it. I wouldn't have anybody dictating how many cats I can have, where I should put my dripping ice cup, how I sit on the couch, where he puts his jeans, how much of the bed I'm taking up being too much, how I'll understand what responsibility is when I have to pay some bills on my own, how I don't understand what really happens to men and women when couples get divorced, how my notions of feminism and true beauty are radical, when I should do the dishes/laundry/cleaning, what's a good show and a bad one, whether or not I really want children, which frivolous kitchen appliances are really necessary, whether or not I weigh too much, and when and where I have sex. God, when I write it down like this I make it sound like I'm trapped in a loveless marriage of convenience and girl, you better get yourself a hero and get ridda that zero. I'm smarter than that, aren't I? I know when to get out. I'm not trapped by anything. It's not really that bad, and that's why I'm still here, right? There's a lot of inner argument there that I don't want to share because my fingers are tired enough as it is. I love him. It ought to be enough for me to just leave it at that.
My birthday is approaching fast. I'll be hitting the big 2-1...and surprise of all surprises, the party girl doesn't want to party. I just feel worn out, and like I said, disconnected from everybody. Why have all my friends over here when I feel like I'm so far away from them emotionally? That's no kind of fun party. And I love Julie, but I don't even feel like getting together with her. I think I just want to be alone on that day. I wish I could afford to do more, but I think I'll just go out shopping on my own. Maybe not even that. I'll just be by myself, and try to enjoy myself. I think after 21 years, I deserve to appreciate myself a little bit.
I ordered Sailor Moon: The Doom Tree series box set from Amazon yesterday. It was an impulse buy, but I think it will make me feel a little better. I've really forgotten how much I love that show, and how much it empowered me. A little blast from the past can't hurt, right? I made a wishlist on Amazon.com, too, of all the more recent videos (1-10, 14-19) put out by another company. I'd love to get them and have a complete collection through the second season, instead of 10,000 tapes with non-corresponding episodes. Call me a child, if you will, but my inner ten-year-old is really grateful that I'm not denying myself something that has always brought me a lot of joy.
The comic is not going much at all these days. I'm depressed. I have trouble concentrating. There's a plethora of reasons why, but it's just not getting done. I'll try to pull myself out of it because I think this is what I want to do with myself, comics. Wish I knew.
Ginmar has an amazing post up today about "manhaters" and the concepts around male privilege and the reality of women's roles.
More later...or maybe next month. We'll see.
Christmas went alright. I made a table for my parents that was a little more than embarrassing in the final product, but they seem to appreciate it. I got a whole bunch of stuff from everybody, but the more I experience it and think on it, I'd just as soon do away with the whole notion of gift receiving. I generally have a grand ol' time giving gifts to people I'm close to, but I'm increasingly uncomfortable giving gifts to those I hardly know, and receiving gifts from everyone just on the principle of traditional obligation. It's a bunch of shit that I don't need. I appreciate the time and thought and effort of it all...but it just feels awkward to me.
Still working my dead-end job at Burkettville. I love being there, and I hate it. I know I need something better, but it's just so heartbreaking to leave something I've been so committed to for almost three years.
I tried to get a job at T-Mobile, but was shot down in the last run of the race. Dee, a woman who visits the store quite often, mentioned to me that she works at T-Mobile and suggested that I put in an application. The call center is much closer to Albion. The pay would be better. There would be benefits. I figured, what the hell, and went for it. I felt especially confident, knowing that Dee would help me through the process. So, I went in and she gave me a tour of the place, I took the special testing (it was math and typing, nothing major), and had an interview, all in the course of a week. The interviewer told me that I'd hear back from them in 7-10 days, and her utterly perky demeanor had me fooled into thinking the whole thing went well.
I saw Dee the next weekend and happily told her the outcome of my week's worth of efforts and trekking back and forth to the facility. She sadly told me that I was not going to be referred. She had talked to "tanya", the interviewer, and she had refused to divulge an explanation. I was a bit broken-hearted to say the least. Dave's done customer service representation before and told me, "A blind, retarded monkey could do that job." Nothing makes you feel more worthless than when you can't get the job that the blind, retarded monkey was qualified to do. I understand that the whole thing was out of Dee's hands, otherwise she would have hired me on the spot, but the whole thing has left me as crushed as the other 50 interviews I went to this summer, where no one at all would hire me.
I cried in the kitchen the rest of the night. I was lucky I found out after the kitchen was closed so I could just hang my head in the sink and pretend to be busy washing dishes while I was upset. When I finally got home that night, I just felt angry that "tanya" had put on such an accepting, happy face, had lied right to me by telling me that she looked forward to seeing me again, that she had deemed me so unworthy for a job that I was more than qualified to perform. I guess I have a chance to re-apply in three months. I'm hoping that doesn't mean that I have to do all that bullshit all over again, but I guess I will. It's not like I really want the job, I just need what the job has to offer.
The whole experience left me feeling that familiar pang of unworthiness and led me back to the familiar thoughts of submission. I don't understand it really, but when I'm at a low, I just want to feel even lower. I reconnected with someone who shares this passion, and whom I still find very attractive. I didn't do anything harmful, but I'm still not proud of it. I wouldn't appreciate it if Dave did it with someone else, so it is technically cheating.
I'm not proud of it, too, because it goes against so much of what I'm trying to learn about feminism. These strong, feminist women have let go of those notions that they need to be submissive, that it's the only role open to women, and yet I seek it out. It's part of the reason I don't reply to ginmar's blog; how can someone speak against something she actively seeks?
It felt good, though, in the wrenching way that it does. For all my inner struggle and turmoil with even the concept of d/s, it's something that's very natural to me, and is very satisfying in the right experience. I feel so insatiable, like it's so wrong to want it this much and to not be satisfied with what I have. But at the same time, I think I am genuinely sexually frustrated.
I hate only doing it late at night just before we go to sleep. I'm tired then. I want to sleep. I want to fuck in the afternoon, in the morning, when I'm conscious and alert and really enjoy it and don't just want it to be over so I can finally get to sleep. I hate wanting to be dominated so bad, but not liking when Dave does it. Lord knows he means well, but I just can't see him that way. I hate that sometimes, he won't touch my vagina at all, except to be inside me. I hate that it's just fucking over when he comes and that's it, and I take too long and he wants a cigarette, so he's not going to even stick around and help out afterward if I want to come too. I hate feeling like I ought to just be thankful that I'm with somebody. It's not that bad, I know it's not, but it's not really that great either. I feel lost, really unvalued and uncherished, like I've just been settled for. I feel disconnected from everybody in a way that I can't repair. I want to feel special, I want to feel needed, I want to feel like I'm worth everything in the world to somebody, but I fear that I'm not ever going to feel that. I think, in a large part, that I put myself out of the circle I'm so desperate to be in. It's hard to judge whether I'm just being an emotional, self-destroying wreck, or I'm really in a bad place at all. I'm feeling pretty bad right now, but in the same run, I'm feeling slightly justified with all the inner confusion.
Sometimes, in my wildest fantasies, I think I could do it all without anybody. Think of it. I wouldn't have anybody dictating how many cats I can have, where I should put my dripping ice cup, how I sit on the couch, where he puts his jeans, how much of the bed I'm taking up being too much, how I'll understand what responsibility is when I have to pay some bills on my own, how I don't understand what really happens to men and women when couples get divorced, how my notions of feminism and true beauty are radical, when I should do the dishes/laundry/cleaning, what's a good show and a bad one, whether or not I really want children, which frivolous kitchen appliances are really necessary, whether or not I weigh too much, and when and where I have sex. God, when I write it down like this I make it sound like I'm trapped in a loveless marriage of convenience and girl, you better get yourself a hero and get ridda that zero. I'm smarter than that, aren't I? I know when to get out. I'm not trapped by anything. It's not really that bad, and that's why I'm still here, right? There's a lot of inner argument there that I don't want to share because my fingers are tired enough as it is. I love him. It ought to be enough for me to just leave it at that.
My birthday is approaching fast. I'll be hitting the big 2-1...and surprise of all surprises, the party girl doesn't want to party. I just feel worn out, and like I said, disconnected from everybody. Why have all my friends over here when I feel like I'm so far away from them emotionally? That's no kind of fun party. And I love Julie, but I don't even feel like getting together with her. I think I just want to be alone on that day. I wish I could afford to do more, but I think I'll just go out shopping on my own. Maybe not even that. I'll just be by myself, and try to enjoy myself. I think after 21 years, I deserve to appreciate myself a little bit.
I ordered Sailor Moon: The Doom Tree series box set from Amazon yesterday. It was an impulse buy, but I think it will make me feel a little better. I've really forgotten how much I love that show, and how much it empowered me. A little blast from the past can't hurt, right? I made a wishlist on Amazon.com, too, of all the more recent videos (1-10, 14-19) put out by another company. I'd love to get them and have a complete collection through the second season, instead of 10,000 tapes with non-corresponding episodes. Call me a child, if you will, but my inner ten-year-old is really grateful that I'm not denying myself something that has always brought me a lot of joy.
The comic is not going much at all these days. I'm depressed. I have trouble concentrating. There's a plethora of reasons why, but it's just not getting done. I'll try to pull myself out of it because I think this is what I want to do with myself, comics. Wish I knew.
Ginmar has an amazing post up today about "manhaters" and the concepts around male privilege and the reality of women's roles.
More later...or maybe next month. We'll see.
posted by sweetnfat at 3:44 PM
5 Comments:
WOW You had a lot to say & I am thankful I was able to read it.. Hon I so know what you mean about the sex issues with Dave Sara & I have the same issues.. REALLY I want sex at a different time & all the time & she never wants any. I want her to be creative & fun & she wants the same boring crap that I can't stand anymore. I think in long term relationships this sort of hum drum nature grows without even trying & everything bothers us. I get so tired of Sara telling me that I have taken her financial freedom away, she had more money when I wasn't in the picture, she also had more independence, Well maybe she should have thought that she would be given up some of herself to be in a relationship before she started dating me. Relationships are a BIG pain in the ass.
As for your job situation I HAVE T-MOBILE & I should cancel, those jerks why did they not tell you why? Ok I will e-mail you privately..
Yeah...it's like, I spent puberty developing and nurturing and enjoying this sexuality, and really working hard to understand that it's natural and nothing to be ashamed of. I've been proud of it...and now I'm being made to feel like it makes me too demanding. It's too much for him. I sometimes feel like maybe I want more than I deserve, but another part of me realizes that is bullshit. I love Dave, but I'm going to be my own damn person one way or another, and I'll be damned if I'm stuck getting myself off ALL the time. I deserve some attention too.
Relationships are a big pain in the ass. It's something you really have to work at. I don't want to *expect* the world out of my relationship, but I don't want to get nothing for it, too. I want to feel like I'm a worthwhile human being, not just last picked in the line-up that is your ticking biological clock. Know what I mean?
Don't go cancelling your T-Mobile account just yet. I blame the interviewer, not necessarily the company. That's not to say that the thought of "T-Mobile can shove it up their asses" didn't cross my mind, but it's not really their fault. They just put the wrong middle man in the middle. You know, sometimes I wonder if my being fat isn't a reason that I'm failing so miserably at the interview level of these application processes. I saw much stupider girls in those positions when I did the walk-through with Dee. Who knows, I guess, aside from the interviewer? I'll try again another time.
I don't think you should give up yet. Your right relationships are a lot of work. And in the long run it seems like to women get stuck holding the bag, along with the dishes and everything else.
I understand a lot of what you have been saying. But I also think that maybe getting out and seeing some friends might be the right thing to do. Some times I think we get cought up in our own lives and forget about the people that really care and understand us. The people that really understand will listen to you and try to help. Some times just knowing that there is one person you can count on is the best thing in the world. And I am sure there must be one person that can count on you and that you can count on.
Maybe I am reading this wrong. but I think you should talk to Dave and tell him what you feel and why. I know hes a guy and is likly not to get it but trying to talk to him might be the best way to get some of what you are feeling out. If you can't talk to him, talk to some that you can talk to.
Also, Cats Rule!
Thanks, anonymous...and you are...?
I am know what you mean when you say that you do not know who to trust. I went thru a stage like that in my life. It took me a while to find the people that I could really trust and the people that you need to keep at arm length. But there has to be some one that you trust that you could go to and talk to when you feel down. I do not know why you think some one has “settled” For you. From what I have read on your blog you are very smart. I do not think you crave Drama, but I think as humans, we all need some sort of feeling like we belong. You belong with the positive people in your life and if you think you are in a relationship where you think that person has settled, then you maybe you need to think about what you want. You need to find what makes you feel good and what is going to make you happy.
There has to be something going right in your life right now. There also has to be one person that is the right person to talk to.
Just a cat lover
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