Holding out for the BIG one...
I feel lately like my every move is a last minute one, just before I'm to rush into something important and immediate. Something big.
I don't know what, though.
I was thinking today about Peter, and about how far behind I am in the whole process of comic creation. I feel utterly ashamed, lazy, unworthy of this experience...I feel like I'm not moving fast enough. And at the same time, I feel like I might be moving too fast. I feel so lost and, really...I feel kind of terrified. Despite the praises I get from people: from Jon, from Mea, from the readers of Come Together; I have no idea how to make a comic. I feel a lot like I'm setting myself up for something I can't handle, and of course, I don't know how to deal with it. I'm making the excuse in my head that I'm really stuck and I'm waiting on Jon (who is utterly swamped with personal responsibility and Kal-el's latest movie), but really...I'm just scared. I'm scared for one that I'll never get past this point and start really doing this comic and I'll just float in a limbo until I'm broken down enough to have to go get a "real" job and leave this dream behind, and scared also that I'll be too much into it, and not have enough energy left for the rest of my life. I guess I am waiting on Jon. I don't know how this process goes. I want to meet with him, have his attention, and talk with him. I want to hear how it's supposed to be done, and not in silly buzzwords. I want to hear that it's doable, not just a pipe dream we've been kicking around inside of ourselves for almost three years.
I'm ready to get going. I'm ready to start. I'm ready to move faster. I keep having these great comic ideas and revisiting my old ones, but I don't write anything down. I'm afraid I'll push out the good stuff in Peter if I concentrate on something else and let my energies run elsewhere. I want to move faster. The world is light years beyond me. I want to be faster.
In other happenings, I'm feeling an uneasy tension when I come home. Dave is very happy to see me and is very loving and attentive and unjudgemental...but I worry that I seem to surprised at it. Frankly, it really does surprise me. Most of the summer, I felt everything crashing down around me when he gave me so much as a stern look of disapproval. Now kisses and hugs aren't just for goodbyes, and I'm afraid to enjoy them...afraid they won't be there when I get home next week, when I wake up tomorrow.
I finally gave him money, though I feel a bit guilty that I didn't give him more. True, I only make so much, but every purchase for myself beyond gas feels like an unnecessary, selfish expense. I'm sure he doesn't want me to feel that way, but I've contributed so little beyond my stuff and myself being in his way. God, I feel so useless. Sometimes I think being in that Master/Slave relationship I always thought I wanted would make it easier. I'd only have to do so much and if my Master was mad at me, I'd be told...and punished...
This whole feminism thing makes me feel so aware of the world, aware of the things I just let go. I beat myself up for it inside instead of speaking up like I should. I'm such a fucking wuss. I really believe in this stuff, and it's easy enough to berate the discussions with Julie, (I'm sorry, Julie. I keep yelling at you and ranting at you when we get together. Your ideas aren't wrong, I just feel like I can be passionate and be myself and you'll say okay, but I need to give you your opinions too. Sorry!) but I want to be able to make a real point to someone who matters. I want to change Rob. I read Ginmar's posts...I gobble them up voraciously. Everytime she and her audience debate rape, sexism, the Lolita complex...GOD, I just want to show Rob and show him how wrong he is and was and always has been. I don't know why it's so important to me, beyond the fact that I'm always wrong with him. It shouldn't even matter. He's a loser...a 35year-old virgin loser who lives with his parents, doesn't have a job or a girlfriend...and still....it bothers me that I'm still lower than him in his eyes. He's superior to me for whatever reason, and he can claim he's never said that, but it's always been crystal clear in his attitude, and it's always the way he's made me feel.
I'm talking right now with Alex, someone I've known almost as long as Rob online...I still refer to him with Julie as "The Kid." He's talking about going to an anime con and dressing up. It all just makes me want to do it. I feel like such a dork, but at the same time, I know it would make me deliriously happy. *sigh*
When am I just going to suck it up and be myself?
I don't know what, though.
I was thinking today about Peter, and about how far behind I am in the whole process of comic creation. I feel utterly ashamed, lazy, unworthy of this experience...I feel like I'm not moving fast enough. And at the same time, I feel like I might be moving too fast. I feel so lost and, really...I feel kind of terrified. Despite the praises I get from people: from Jon, from Mea, from the readers of Come Together; I have no idea how to make a comic. I feel a lot like I'm setting myself up for something I can't handle, and of course, I don't know how to deal with it. I'm making the excuse in my head that I'm really stuck and I'm waiting on Jon (who is utterly swamped with personal responsibility and Kal-el's latest movie), but really...I'm just scared. I'm scared for one that I'll never get past this point and start really doing this comic and I'll just float in a limbo until I'm broken down enough to have to go get a "real" job and leave this dream behind, and scared also that I'll be too much into it, and not have enough energy left for the rest of my life. I guess I am waiting on Jon. I don't know how this process goes. I want to meet with him, have his attention, and talk with him. I want to hear how it's supposed to be done, and not in silly buzzwords. I want to hear that it's doable, not just a pipe dream we've been kicking around inside of ourselves for almost three years.
I'm ready to get going. I'm ready to start. I'm ready to move faster. I keep having these great comic ideas and revisiting my old ones, but I don't write anything down. I'm afraid I'll push out the good stuff in Peter if I concentrate on something else and let my energies run elsewhere. I want to move faster. The world is light years beyond me. I want to be faster.
In other happenings, I'm feeling an uneasy tension when I come home. Dave is very happy to see me and is very loving and attentive and unjudgemental...but I worry that I seem to surprised at it. Frankly, it really does surprise me. Most of the summer, I felt everything crashing down around me when he gave me so much as a stern look of disapproval. Now kisses and hugs aren't just for goodbyes, and I'm afraid to enjoy them...afraid they won't be there when I get home next week, when I wake up tomorrow.
I finally gave him money, though I feel a bit guilty that I didn't give him more. True, I only make so much, but every purchase for myself beyond gas feels like an unnecessary, selfish expense. I'm sure he doesn't want me to feel that way, but I've contributed so little beyond my stuff and myself being in his way. God, I feel so useless. Sometimes I think being in that Master/Slave relationship I always thought I wanted would make it easier. I'd only have to do so much and if my Master was mad at me, I'd be told...and punished...
This whole feminism thing makes me feel so aware of the world, aware of the things I just let go. I beat myself up for it inside instead of speaking up like I should. I'm such a fucking wuss. I really believe in this stuff, and it's easy enough to berate the discussions with Julie, (I'm sorry, Julie. I keep yelling at you and ranting at you when we get together. Your ideas aren't wrong, I just feel like I can be passionate and be myself and you'll say okay, but I need to give you your opinions too. Sorry!) but I want to be able to make a real point to someone who matters. I want to change Rob. I read Ginmar's posts...I gobble them up voraciously. Everytime she and her audience debate rape, sexism, the Lolita complex...GOD, I just want to show Rob and show him how wrong he is and was and always has been. I don't know why it's so important to me, beyond the fact that I'm always wrong with him. It shouldn't even matter. He's a loser...a 35year-old virgin loser who lives with his parents, doesn't have a job or a girlfriend...and still....it bothers me that I'm still lower than him in his eyes. He's superior to me for whatever reason, and he can claim he's never said that, but it's always been crystal clear in his attitude, and it's always the way he's made me feel.
I'm talking right now with Alex, someone I've known almost as long as Rob online...I still refer to him with Julie as "The Kid." He's talking about going to an anime con and dressing up. It all just makes me want to do it. I feel like such a dork, but at the same time, I know it would make me deliriously happy. *sigh*
When am I just going to suck it up and be myself?
posted by sweetnfat at 9:27 PM
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