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So, yeah. I'm 21 now. Not like anybody gives a shit.
Excuse the 'tude. I'm feeling quite disheartened.
No, really, it was an okay birthday. Tremendously uneventful. I got home early Monday night, and Dave had gotten me a big bunch of roses, all different colors, and a big chocolate cake, so that was super sweet. He had to work the next day (my actual birthday), but that was no big deal since we celebrated before. Before I forget, he got me a gift certificate to the spa for my birthday. Great present. Could use more like that.
So, I was by myself on my birthday and went to the movies, since I could see one free. I saw Date Movie. I don't recommend it. I should know better. I'd seen all the crappy movies they parodied, but they couldn't think far enough outside of the box to parody them in a way I wouldn't expect. The three 12 year-old girls in the theatre enjoyed it. Oh well. It was free. (I considered asking for my money back, just to be a jackass. haha)
So, yeah...nothing much really happened. I called my parents when I got home, then I called Julie...then I went to bed....nothing.
I didn't drink. What an exciting 21 year-old I am.
(Nasty details ahead)
Today was going okay till Dave got up. We tried to fool around on the couch, but I just couldn't get myself into a position that was either comfortable or pleasant for him, and he kept going soft. He was so angry about it, and so impatient with me. I feel...I feel just plain useless. Like, what the hell have I got going for me if I can't do it on a fucking couch? A little piece of me thinks maybe everything was just really too rushed, and he was too impatient, and I was probably bleeding (which grosses him out, but hey what the fuck am I really going to do about that?), but all the same, I feel like a huge burden. It's not often that we just "give up."
The only way I could stop crying was to figure that he was just being impatient, that he's tired and pissed off about something and taking it out on me...though that's no great solace. Is this what it's going to be like for me? Always? Why do I put up with it? God, I'm really upset at myself for not being able to perform, but at the same time, I'm so pissed at him for treating me like that. I deserve patience and understanding...and if I'm not aiming myself right, then work with me for Christ's sake! I wonder how much longer I'm going to make myself go through this. It's not fucking worth it to be in another relationship where I feel inadequate and I walk on eggshells and I change what I want just to be loved. I really hope that's not what this relationship is. I love him, I really do love him. I don't love his attitude or how he treats me sometimes, though.
Sometimes I think that he's embarassed or disgusted with my body, too...What the hell do I do? I wish he could just love me how I am.
So...I'm disheartened. It's not that I'm not happy with my body...I think I could be perfectly content with myself and how I look and who I am...if it weren't for how discontent everyone else is with me. Does anyone have any good links for fat girl support? And I'm not talking weight loss. Fuck you if you offer. I'm talking about a real support system; a resource where women can talk about how their bodies really work, with real terms, not fluffy vague concepts. Not, "Oh, making love is an incredible experience", but rather, "Sometimes, I have difficulty positioning his penis to slide inside of me, so a trick I learned is..." *sigh* Maybe I'm the only one with these problems. maybe I'm just built wrong.
My last post was a bit of a weird and whiny one, and I disabled comments. While I have to reserve a person's right to post anonymously to my blog, since I have done it myself, I can't help but feel peeved there isn't at least a name. Still, I respect your right to be anonymous, "Just a cat lover", and I won't demand that you make yourself known. However, I'm more peeved at content of those posts. I'm very sure you meant well, "Cat Lover", but your tone was patronizing, and just what I was getting at in my last post. I hate to have my problems reduced by the people I complain to. I hate to be told that I'm overreacting, and that it's really nothing; and for you to suggest that really, there's just got to be someone out there that I can turn to is not helping my situation. Now, in rereading your reply, I know very well that you meant well and you just wanted to say something encouraging, but really, tell me something that I don't know. There isn't someone I can turn to because I don't trust people. It's not like there's some one magic person out there who's more special than anyone else and I can trust absolutely everything with. And really, I think I'm coming farther emotionally now more than ever because I can't turn to people. I can't turn to people who will just tell me what I want to hear and pat my head and tell me everything's okay, and just make it go away. Right now, I have to do all of this on my own. I have to come up with my own solutions and deal with my problems and complain to myself. And now I'm just really whining, great. Well, I had a point, but now I've lost it. At any rate, "Cat lover", thanks for the reply, but it's not helping to just reiterate what I hate about how other people treat me. I know I'm smart, and I know I'm worth it, but I don't get treated that way, no matter how I act. I've got to feel out my problems in a different way, and find different solutions. And now that I've gone off on you, I hope you'll still reply if you feel it necessary, maybe with a name? I don't give out this blog address to many people, so I'm concerned that it could float around to those I don't want to see. All in all, thanks for trying, "Cat Lover". I don't mean to single you out, but I had to say something.
I'm continuing to add to my Amazon.com wishlist, only now there are items for the comic production as well. Within this week, I'm going to order a portfolio, so I can store the thumbnail pages from my notebook safely, and keep them in order, so when we sit down to actually draw it on the big paper, it'll go that much more smoothly. I also added Pentel clic erasers, because I'm trying to wean myself from mechanical pencils to actual wood pencils. The mechanical kind I have, though tremendously easy and pretty and mechanical, smudge like the dickens and ruin my hard work. (Stupid leaning hand and my smudginess.) I don't think I need pens yet...I've got quite a few. But all the same, I'll see what Jon recommends for pens (I'm such a brand snob) when we get down to the final product. Let's see...there was something else I wanted to search for and add to my wishlist, but I can't figure out what. Oh wait, there was bathroom rugs and a little towel hamper, but I know that wasn't it either. Still looking, though. God, I wish I had more money...lol
I've really been able to kick myself in the ass with the comic lately, by the way. I'm finally easing up on my thumbnails, so that I can actually get pages done, instead of sitting there, looking at them forelornly because I can't figure out the layout. I'm not sure how exciting the actual comic will be, but I'm really getting into how the story will play out, especially since I now realize that I don't have to cram everything into a few issues. I can give out as much as I want in each issue and just keep it going forever and ever and ever. (though, there is a set end.)
Whew, I'm starting to feel better now that I'm working out these feelings in words. It gets all pent up inside me and it makes my head feel so heavy...I feel like I'll bust. But I feel better, like it's all fallen out of my head on the floor, and now I can just mop it up and move on.
Oh god, I'm making another wishlist for the comic stuff. I love computer organization.
Speaking of organization, wait till you see my latest project. I've been thinking of it for a long while now, but I want to archive all my old doodles in sheet protected binders. I probably won't be able to sort by year and date and that sort of thing, but it will still be much more easily accessible, and organized. Right now, there's a huge box of papers at my parents house that I haven't touched since I set them in there years ago...I can't wait to go through and organize all of them when I have the resources. I can buy boxes of 100 sheets of sheet protectors for like 10-12 dollars on Amazon, so I'll get a bunch of those and start in....oooh, I'm so excited. And there's a couple of shelves empty on my bookcases over here too. I'm gonna be so styling. Now if I could only work out the problem of my "piles" and working out in the living room, when I have this whole room to myself...hmm.
So much to buy, so little money. *sigh* Such is the peril of a shopper. Thank GOD I don't have a credit card. Oh, the damage I could do myself with that.
So now I've ranted a little bit. Sorry for putting you all through that. It just needs to come out somewhere, and this is my space, so this is where I'll do it.
This weekend, my parents are taking me to Bugaboo Creek for dinner. Hurray! I miss Bangor so. I hope to coerce some mall-trolling from my father, 'cause I already know my mom's up for it. Not that I need to spend the money or anything...but it's fun to go.
Happy Birthday to me...I'll drink someday.
Excuse the 'tude. I'm feeling quite disheartened.
No, really, it was an okay birthday. Tremendously uneventful. I got home early Monday night, and Dave had gotten me a big bunch of roses, all different colors, and a big chocolate cake, so that was super sweet. He had to work the next day (my actual birthday), but that was no big deal since we celebrated before. Before I forget, he got me a gift certificate to the spa for my birthday. Great present. Could use more like that.
So, I was by myself on my birthday and went to the movies, since I could see one free. I saw Date Movie. I don't recommend it. I should know better. I'd seen all the crappy movies they parodied, but they couldn't think far enough outside of the box to parody them in a way I wouldn't expect. The three 12 year-old girls in the theatre enjoyed it. Oh well. It was free. (I considered asking for my money back, just to be a jackass. haha)
So, yeah...nothing much really happened. I called my parents when I got home, then I called Julie...then I went to bed....nothing.
I didn't drink. What an exciting 21 year-old I am.
(Nasty details ahead)
Today was going okay till Dave got up. We tried to fool around on the couch, but I just couldn't get myself into a position that was either comfortable or pleasant for him, and he kept going soft. He was so angry about it, and so impatient with me. I feel...I feel just plain useless. Like, what the hell have I got going for me if I can't do it on a fucking couch? A little piece of me thinks maybe everything was just really too rushed, and he was too impatient, and I was probably bleeding (which grosses him out, but hey what the fuck am I really going to do about that?), but all the same, I feel like a huge burden. It's not often that we just "give up."
The only way I could stop crying was to figure that he was just being impatient, that he's tired and pissed off about something and taking it out on me...though that's no great solace. Is this what it's going to be like for me? Always? Why do I put up with it? God, I'm really upset at myself for not being able to perform, but at the same time, I'm so pissed at him for treating me like that. I deserve patience and understanding...and if I'm not aiming myself right, then work with me for Christ's sake! I wonder how much longer I'm going to make myself go through this. It's not fucking worth it to be in another relationship where I feel inadequate and I walk on eggshells and I change what I want just to be loved. I really hope that's not what this relationship is. I love him, I really do love him. I don't love his attitude or how he treats me sometimes, though.
Sometimes I think that he's embarassed or disgusted with my body, too...What the hell do I do? I wish he could just love me how I am.
So...I'm disheartened. It's not that I'm not happy with my body...I think I could be perfectly content with myself and how I look and who I am...if it weren't for how discontent everyone else is with me. Does anyone have any good links for fat girl support? And I'm not talking weight loss. Fuck you if you offer. I'm talking about a real support system; a resource where women can talk about how their bodies really work, with real terms, not fluffy vague concepts. Not, "Oh, making love is an incredible experience", but rather, "Sometimes, I have difficulty positioning his penis to slide inside of me, so a trick I learned is..." *sigh* Maybe I'm the only one with these problems. maybe I'm just built wrong.
My last post was a bit of a weird and whiny one, and I disabled comments. While I have to reserve a person's right to post anonymously to my blog, since I have done it myself, I can't help but feel peeved there isn't at least a name. Still, I respect your right to be anonymous, "Just a cat lover", and I won't demand that you make yourself known. However, I'm more peeved at content of those posts. I'm very sure you meant well, "Cat Lover", but your tone was patronizing, and just what I was getting at in my last post. I hate to have my problems reduced by the people I complain to. I hate to be told that I'm overreacting, and that it's really nothing; and for you to suggest that really, there's just got to be someone out there that I can turn to is not helping my situation. Now, in rereading your reply, I know very well that you meant well and you just wanted to say something encouraging, but really, tell me something that I don't know. There isn't someone I can turn to because I don't trust people. It's not like there's some one magic person out there who's more special than anyone else and I can trust absolutely everything with. And really, I think I'm coming farther emotionally now more than ever because I can't turn to people. I can't turn to people who will just tell me what I want to hear and pat my head and tell me everything's okay, and just make it go away. Right now, I have to do all of this on my own. I have to come up with my own solutions and deal with my problems and complain to myself. And now I'm just really whining, great. Well, I had a point, but now I've lost it. At any rate, "Cat lover", thanks for the reply, but it's not helping to just reiterate what I hate about how other people treat me. I know I'm smart, and I know I'm worth it, but I don't get treated that way, no matter how I act. I've got to feel out my problems in a different way, and find different solutions. And now that I've gone off on you, I hope you'll still reply if you feel it necessary, maybe with a name? I don't give out this blog address to many people, so I'm concerned that it could float around to those I don't want to see. All in all, thanks for trying, "Cat Lover". I don't mean to single you out, but I had to say something.
I'm continuing to add to my Amazon.com wishlist, only now there are items for the comic production as well. Within this week, I'm going to order a portfolio, so I can store the thumbnail pages from my notebook safely, and keep them in order, so when we sit down to actually draw it on the big paper, it'll go that much more smoothly. I also added Pentel clic erasers, because I'm trying to wean myself from mechanical pencils to actual wood pencils. The mechanical kind I have, though tremendously easy and pretty and mechanical, smudge like the dickens and ruin my hard work. (Stupid leaning hand and my smudginess.) I don't think I need pens yet...I've got quite a few. But all the same, I'll see what Jon recommends for pens (I'm such a brand snob) when we get down to the final product. Let's see...there was something else I wanted to search for and add to my wishlist, but I can't figure out what. Oh wait, there was bathroom rugs and a little towel hamper, but I know that wasn't it either. Still looking, though. God, I wish I had more money...lol
I've really been able to kick myself in the ass with the comic lately, by the way. I'm finally easing up on my thumbnails, so that I can actually get pages done, instead of sitting there, looking at them forelornly because I can't figure out the layout. I'm not sure how exciting the actual comic will be, but I'm really getting into how the story will play out, especially since I now realize that I don't have to cram everything into a few issues. I can give out as much as I want in each issue and just keep it going forever and ever and ever. (though, there is a set end.)
Whew, I'm starting to feel better now that I'm working out these feelings in words. It gets all pent up inside me and it makes my head feel so heavy...I feel like I'll bust. But I feel better, like it's all fallen out of my head on the floor, and now I can just mop it up and move on.
Oh god, I'm making another wishlist for the comic stuff. I love computer organization.
Speaking of organization, wait till you see my latest project. I've been thinking of it for a long while now, but I want to archive all my old doodles in sheet protected binders. I probably won't be able to sort by year and date and that sort of thing, but it will still be much more easily accessible, and organized. Right now, there's a huge box of papers at my parents house that I haven't touched since I set them in there years ago...I can't wait to go through and organize all of them when I have the resources. I can buy boxes of 100 sheets of sheet protectors for like 10-12 dollars on Amazon, so I'll get a bunch of those and start in....oooh, I'm so excited. And there's a couple of shelves empty on my bookcases over here too. I'm gonna be so styling. Now if I could only work out the problem of my "piles" and working out in the living room, when I have this whole room to myself...hmm.
So much to buy, so little money. *sigh* Such is the peril of a shopper. Thank GOD I don't have a credit card. Oh, the damage I could do myself with that.
So now I've ranted a little bit. Sorry for putting you all through that. It just needs to come out somewhere, and this is my space, so this is where I'll do it.
This weekend, my parents are taking me to Bugaboo Creek for dinner. Hurray! I miss Bangor so. I hope to coerce some mall-trolling from my father, 'cause I already know my mom's up for it. Not that I need to spend the money or anything...but it's fun to go.
Happy Birthday to me...I'll drink someday.
posted by sweetnfat at 6:16 PM
3 Comments:
Hello.. OH my God I so know what you mean about your sexual relationship with D.. I have the same issues with Sara... No patience, bleeding, potitioning,, EVERYTHING.. I think all relationships are the same, STRAIGHT OR GAY.. I will call you..
Oh my god, Mary Ann...let me assure you that you make my day telling me that. I love you.
I wish we didn't have to go through all this frustration, but at the same time, it's reassuring to know that you're just fucking human, and it happens to everybody, despite what porno and jerky guys say.
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