Job at the End of August

I’m employed.
Starting Wednesday, I will work at Tobey’s General Store and The Market & Deli. Two stores owned by the same people, and on different days, I’ll work at either one.
It’s some of the best news in weeks, and it gives me both a sense of ease and a sense of dread.
A sense of ease, certainly because it means that I am employed and no one can hold that over my head like something I’ve done wrong; that I will have money (MONEY!) finally and be able to contribute to this house, put away for future bills, and feed my comic addiction; and that I don’t have to take unemployment. (Dave recently asked me to file for unemployment. The first check hasn’t even come, but it’s been a source of great shame to me. I vowed I’d get a job before the first check came, though. And I did. Go with your hunches, folks. It works. I got the job.  It makes me feel…slightly better.)
The sense of dread is that new job feeling. I know basically what to expect. This kitchen in this place isn’t much different from Burkettville. But I don’t know what the nitty-gritty will entail. Are they hardasses about taking a break? Is everything I need right around me so I don’t have to scurry across the store and look unprofessional? Are their customers assholes? All things I will find out sure, I think. I start officially Wednesday. It’s only part-time (but more than 20 hours), and the shifts are a bit of a bugger (5:30am to 1pm and 10:30am to 5pm), but it’s a job, and I’m more than willing to do what it takes to keep it. Yeah, let’s see if I keep saying that in three or four weeks, when I’m by myself in that kitchen in the morning. Ah, stop it. I’ve done this crap before, for two years! I know how it’s done; I know how to get it done. It’ll be just fine. The hours are good, though, because I still have most of the day left. Granted, I’ll be tired, but there’s lots of comic time there, so overall, I’m still feeling pretty good about the 5:30-1 shift.

The lack of updates has been due to my increasing stress and inability to form coherent phrases. Maybe I should just post a picture some days. “I don’t have anything useful to say; here’s a pretty picture, love Erin.” Since I still have not yet decided whether I’d like an audience, it’d basically be like…posting to myself. So, yeah, until I get people reading this and don’t actually care what they think, I’ll just save myself the ‘tarded notion that I even need to post at all.

My friend Philip sent me the newest Harry Potter book. I feel very bad allowing him to send me something that expensive, but I needed to read that damn book. And read it, I did. It took me three days. I could’ve done better than that, but I was reading for comprehension, not speed. Amazing story, let me tell you. Unfortunately, some idiots out in cyberspace think it’s funny to ruin the end, even when they haven’t read the damn thing themselves. How disappointing. But still, it was an amazing turn of events, the ending. I won’t post it on here because I respect that other people haven’t yet read the book and don’t want it ruined for themselves. To think, I waited so long to venture online too, for fear of having the secrets thrust into my face. Stacy, you’re an idiot.
At any rate, I just don’t know how J.K. Rowling does it. She keeps the story so engaging through the entire book, fuck, through the entire series, without ever missing a beat. I love seeing fan art of Harry Potter, especially from Makani. She’s such an amazing artist. I’m completely jealous. But if anyone should do Harry Potter fan art, it’s her. She ought to do an entire animated series! She’s fantastic.

ComeTogether is still pretty empty and echoing, but we’re holding out hope for it. I came up with a few new comic ideas, but I wonder how well they’ll go over with Mea. I still hate this thing of trying not to step on toes. I just want to be able to say something, and not feel like I’m about to be censored. It’s the stupidest little shit I worry about too. I keep trying to keep it all safe and fluffy, and I just don’t want to be safe and fluffy. I really want to break out in this comic and ask the questions that need to be asked…get people thinking about this stuff for once, instead of just sitting idly by and contributing nothing but innocent, harmless shit so the masses won’t be offended. Fuck you, masses! It’s my damn comic. I’m going to be as nasty as I want to be, offend you, and feel good doing it.
I’ve come to a bit better terms with Mea. He’s just trying to put something out there. I think he’s trying to cater to too many people, instead of just letting things ride, but he’s still trying. I have to give him credit for working so hard at it.
I’ve got to do some hi-resolution scans of my art at some point, too. I want to be part of the merchandise scheme. I’m not sure how well my comics and artwork will translate to T-shirts and mouse pads, but I guess I’ll find out. I still want to bounce around the room, thinking of my images being on merchandise.

Peter is waiting on Jon’s read of the synopsis. I feel like such a cop-out with the way I wrote it. I’m all detailed in the beginning, but leave the middle and ending out in outer space and just throw my hands up and say, “I need help.” But I do need help. I’m stuck. It sounds like Jon and I won’t have a face-to-face meeting for a while. I hope I didn’t sound like a big ol’ demanding jerk on the phone. That wasn’t what I was going for. I put on my pleasant voice and face and everything.

The first thing I’m going to do when I get a paycheck is fill my gas tank. And at $2.59 a gallon, that might be the only thing I do when I get a paycheck. Kidding aside though, next is a haircut. Then, I’ll pay off my tab at Burkettville, and pay my parents back. Finally, I will plan a luxuriously fun and expensive spa and shopping day with Julie, my bestest friend in the whole wide world. The more I go along, the more I realize she’s my best friend, too. She’s genuine, kind, and fun to be with. Fuck Alissa, Crystal, Brandy, and Aurora. Those bitches couldn’t keep themselves together with duct tape. There will be a later rant on Alissa too. Alissa and Rob, the symbols of the evils of Man.

And now, to try and post this.

Jobless in August

I had an interview today, and another one is lined up for tomorrow. I feel like I'm getting closer to employment. I just wish I wouldn't have had to wait so long. Being poor and needy is the worst.
The interview was at a chiropractic office, and I think the interview went alright. It wasn't much, that's for sure. There was no application filling, no buzzwords; the woman was very plain, pleasant and concise. The office needs a part-time receptionist who can be cheery and pleasant for the patients. Oh please, please hire me. I can totally do that. The part-time hours are set up pretty fucking awesome too, but I can't get ahead of myself. If I start imagining myself in the job, I'll definitely never get it. It would be a really great position to have, so I really want them to call me.
Tomorrow's interview is with Banker's Life. Apparently, it's an organization that helps senior citizens with retirement issues. I'll do my best. It's a job, after all...and it would be a weekend-off, title-having kind of job too. I think I'd kind of like one of those.
The title of this post may be null and void soon, who knows. Here's to hoping.

I talked with Mea a bit last week, and the more I talk with him, the more I feel like all the anxiety and left out feelings are in my head. Thankfully, he was very receptive of this month's comic. It was my easiest comic yet. I'd love to get into a pattern where I could do comics like that...just pump 'em out like it was no big deal and hand them in early. I have yet to hear from him about the columns and sketch I sent and their appropriateness.
I mentioned to him that he's more than welcome to use my images in merchandise and banners, and he seemed elated, as though the thought hadn't crossed his mind. He said he'd worked out a reiumbursement/royalty kind of deal, and I said not to worry about it. I sort of mean that, too. I mean, it'd be really neat to get money from this, but it's not why I'm doing it at all. I want to make statements, and get my messages heard, and change the fucking world! One porn comic at a time. I think it'd be really neat just to see my images on stuff. I'd want tons of it, even if the shirts didn't fit.

Peter is at a standstill. I've written a bit more on him, but I'm stuck in that I'm coming to a point where I need to organize myself so everything can flow and I'm not just repeating myself. However, I don't know how, or really want to do that. I've got to kick myself in the ass to do it, though. I need to have a meeting with Jon soon, and I don't want to have the meeting until I've got the story better lined out. I mean, I could just throw my hands up now and say, "Jon, come help me!", but I know I can do better than that. I want our next meeting to be a crucial one, where we really get the ball rolling, and get this thing started.
God, I'm so worried about working with Jon, too. I feel like I just can't do this without him, but he's always got so much on his plate. I don't want to be just another obligation for him. I feel so honored, though, that he even considers working with me. That's something that really keeps me going. Whenever I think my art is the crappiest in the world,(nearly everyday) I remember that he ASKED me to do a comic with him and that he loves the idea of Peter. He's been in the business. I'd like to think he knows what he's talking about.
Another source of inspiration recently has been the new magazine put out by Tokyopop, Takuhai. I was really surprised by how well-put together this free magazine was, even if I didn't agree with all of it. Their approach was great, showing little tiny bits of manga and giving insider info on each title. I wish they'd focus less on "manga" coming from America, Europe, and Korea, and more on real, Japanese Manga. I'm a stickler for accuracy in this fandom, and I'm also an incredible fucking snob about it. It's not manga if it's from another country. It's in manga style. Manga comes from fucking Japan, you half-wits; stop trying to write the rules just because you translate the shit. But in all that, I feel like I could do it, too. They rave and rave over the crappiest of American wannabe manga. It makes me feel like maybe I could do this and have a fanbase too. I won't be called a manga-ka, though. That'd just be wrong. I do it in a manga-esque style, and hardly then. I'm such a bitch.
With the way TokyoPop is such a whore for all its crappy titles, I almost want to bring Peter to them. But on the other hand, I know how I feel about them. They are whores. They're whores who think they define the genre because they're the ones putting it out. They're whores who saturate the market with crappy titles with no remorse. ("But Billy on our staff likes it!") They're whores who do sloppy editing and page layouts. (Have you seen the typos in GTO? Good lord.) They're whores who give a bad name to manga fans by catering to the idiots who'll buy the merchandise and drool over the swag, not the real fans who see the manga for its depth or humor or fantastic art or characters. No, we have to deal with the shonen ai fangirls who only like the subject because Tokyopop told them that's what girls do. So then they buy everything that might even possibly be shonen ai and fawn over it, never stopping to think about whether or not they really like it. I mean...why should girls have to fawn over gay men stories? I like gay men, but I also see them as competition. No thank you, TokyoPop. Fool me once, shame on you. So, I don't like Tokyopop. They won't be getting my stuff too soon. I want to go to a publisher like Marvel or Dark Horse, one of the big American companies. My chances with them will be less, I think, but I'd sooner reach the American audience, rather than the Tokyopop manga audience.

Alright. Enough blathering about TokyoPop. I'm getting pissed off.
And now I'm cold.
Later tonight, I may rant about thinness and how I hate it. Tune in to see.

In the Mail

The job hunt goes miserably.
I sent out three applications in the mail today, and many more through email. My fingers are crossed.
I had a strange interview yesterday at a place that I really don't want a job at. The ad in the paper said,

ASSEMBLY AND GENERAL HELP
Start Immediately...
1st 100 CALLERS
$400/wk To Start

Apparently, 100 people is an awful lot. They seem to have been taking those calls all day. And there were a bunch of people in the lobby. The marble-mouthed receptionist that answered my call that morning told me that there were service representative positions available, as well as the assembly jobs. The $400 dollars was what caught my eye. She blurted out the place and told me to dress appropriately. As if someone would show up dressed innappropriately for a job interview. The interview was a bit of a bust anyway, I suppose. I was the only one who showed up with a resume, so apparently, I looked "really good", but not good enough to hire on the spot.
It's just as well though. The place seemed awfully spotty to me. If they do end up calling me for a second interview, I'm going to decline. I got bad vibes from that place, ones I still can't shake. I guess I'm not as desperate for a job as I thought I was.

Ken and his father stayed the night on Saturday. I busted my butt cooking for them, and they seemed to appreciate it, so all was well. I think it was a little awkward having them over. Dave and Doug went rafting, so I was entertaining Scott and Ken by myself. Then when Dave and Doug got home, I didn't quite know how to act around all of them. I wanted to love on Dave, but I didn't want to ignore my guests. They seemed to make themselves at home, though, and just sort of enjoy being out of their lives, if only for a minute. I'm glad to give them that much. They were a lot of fun to hang out with, and just shoot the shit. Ken seems to be gaining some self-confidence, and his dad is certainly helping him a lot by being there for him as a voice of reason. I just hope Ken continues to do well for himself. If it means leaving Alissa, I hope he does that. She's such a pain in the ass. I can't help but feel utterly jealous of her and all that she's got, but then again, I don't want to be her for a second. For all the "friends" she thinks she has, no one takes her seriously. And no one's as enamored of her "motherly" traits as she lets on. I just wonder who she'll go out with after Ken.

I'm going through major mood swings from stress. It feels like if I let my guard down for a second, anything good I've got now will come crashing down and kill me. I want a job, but a good job, and I'm so afraid that Dave is upset with me.

Speaking of which, we had a long talk a bit ago. I found out a few things that I don't know how to deal with. The biggest discovery is that he isn't as comfortable with my body as I thought he was. I guess I understand, but I can't help but feel hurt and a bit lost as to what to do. I guess it comes down to the fact that I need help. I don't want to change, but I need to. I wish he didn't feel that way about me.