Dropping Like Flies
It seems I lose allies everytime I try to explain feminism. I know that I know what feminism is. I know that I am a feminist. So why is it that I'm struggling now to convey these ideas and truths to those around me? Am I simply fighting a losing battle with friends who won't open their minds to a challenge of their old notions? Or am I juxtaposing everything till it comes out a jarbled, confusing mess of "Don't listen to what they've told you before cause I say it's right!"?
Despite this sinking feeling that I'm alienating everyone around me with these concepts, I'm going to continue to grow as a feminist and nurture and support these ideals ferverently. I don't want to support feminism because I think it's a strong fad. I don't want to support feminism because I think it'll make me right. I want to support feminism because it is right.
I almost got into an argument with another friend today, Darryl, about feminism, where he claimed that it's a good thought, but not well practised. "Feminism should not be an excuse for a woman to bitch about everything they think they're being surpressed about", he said, "I really think the concept of feminism is a good one just seriously flawed in its application." At this point, I felt the rage building and my inner tongue swelling so that I couldn't figure out just what the hell I would say to debate this. Part of the problem was that I knew already that I wouldn't be right with him. Considering how he presented his view of feminism, I would not be able to convey my enthusiasm and support for it without seeming like another man-hater looking to bitch about something and glad to have a group to say I belong to that will give me a coverup to do so. I noted a few points (angrily), but ultimately said, "I respect hat you're saying about it not being every man. It isn't every man, you are right. It is significantly more than 2%, though. I don't want to argue about this because I don't care to prove anything right now. Can we please change the subject?" It feels like such a cop out, but I didn't want to fight with him. I really hate this feeling like I'm losing friends and like I'm so wrong in believing these things. I'm not wrong for believing in and fighting for feminism.
Darryl, though, is a troubled one, I think. I've known him nearly as long as I've known Rob. I'm beginning to take the things he says less and less seriously, though. He claims to be a professional writer, and articulate. He was, when we first started out talking. He spelled everything correctly, used perfect grammar, etc. But as the years have gone by, he's become careless in his use of the English language. It makes me doubt his credibility as a "professional." At least he claimed to be a history teacher, and not an English teacher. He's also claimed to know Avril Lavigne and made a point to note that he helped her write one of her songs, as though that would impress me. It didn't. I find her insipid, stupid, and fucking lucky to be where she is today. The fact that she doesn't recognize how lucky she is to have those fans she hates, and takes everything she's received so much for granted pisses me off to no end. I've yet to see his credit in her liner notes for the song, though. Finally, there's the very serious topic of his recent court battle with his ex, Missy. Apparently, she's charged him with rape, which he obviously vehemently denies. I told him before that I believe him, but now I'm not so sure. He calls her evil, says she's a bitch, and I haven't heard her side of the story at all. Coupled with the recent realizations of his truth-withholdings, I'm almost at a point where I don't believe him. After having read the rape discussions at Ginmar's livejournal, I realize I may be facing the fact that a friend of mine is a rapist. I don't know how I'll deal with this. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will just cut contact with this "friend," as it seems he doesn't want to tell me the truth, I won't know the truth, and I don't need to be involved. Internet drama can remain that...on the internet, and thus, I can navigate away from that page. It's not my fight, and I don't want to be a part of it. I'll see what else happens with Darryl, but just sitting here, writing this, I'm pretty much coming to the conclusion that that is what will happen. I will disconnect from him. I hate to lose all these people I've known for years, but years acquainted don't equal infallability.
I talked with Mea for a long while last night; a lot about his life and a little bit about Rob. I would have gladly talked about Rob all night, but it seems Mea really needs somebody to share his stuff with. That's okay. I know how to listen as well as talk. I hope he's able to get through this stuff he's struggling with. Apparently he's moving to Philadelphia soon. Wow. I feel like everyone is speeding past me.
I wrote a commentary to my "Things That Turn Me On" comic this week, where I said that other things that turn me on include a male voice in a stern tone. Mea proceeded to change "male" to "deep." This really grates me, especially after having to change the text on my comic to be more conscious of trannies. It shouldn't bother me. I shouldn't be bitching about this. But when I wrote the comic and when I wrote the commentary, I wasn't doing it to comment on things that should turn other people on, but rather, "Things That Turn ME On." When I said, "I like trannies who try to be really girly, but are still so cutely butch," I wasn't trying to put off the trannies who are frustrated by such a situation, but rather saying, "Hey, I find this hot." And when I said a "male" voice...I meant a fucking male voice, not a deep voice. But like I said, I shouldn't complain. I'm really lucky to be a part of this site and I don't want to fuck up my chances just because I think I ought to be able to say one thing without it being changed to protect someone else's interests while ignoring my own. I want to be successful, and I see this as a stepping stone to that success. And if changing a few words means I don't have to argue my standpoint, then I guess it's not so bad. I hate having to argue my existence all the time.
I'm glad people don't read this, but at the same time, I'm glad I write it. It's become more and more therapeutic to just bitch into the nothingness of cyberspace and not worry about offending anyone. If I knew that people read this, I would worry about what my persona comes across as. I don't want to be seen as a bitch or as a poser or a loser or a wannabe. So I'm glad no one reads this to try and make that assumption about me for themselves.
Now I'm going to go try my hand at making a breakfast pizza for Dave when he gets home. He asked for it last night, and the homemade brownies I made came out so well, I can't help but try.
Family reunion Sunday. I'm making devilled eggs. I wish they'd give me a scholarship for looking cute. :p But I'm not in school, and the kids in school deserve that money more that me.
More later, maybe.
Despite this sinking feeling that I'm alienating everyone around me with these concepts, I'm going to continue to grow as a feminist and nurture and support these ideals ferverently. I don't want to support feminism because I think it's a strong fad. I don't want to support feminism because I think it'll make me right. I want to support feminism because it is right.
I almost got into an argument with another friend today, Darryl, about feminism, where he claimed that it's a good thought, but not well practised. "Feminism should not be an excuse for a woman to bitch about everything they think they're being surpressed about", he said, "I really think the concept of feminism is a good one just seriously flawed in its application." At this point, I felt the rage building and my inner tongue swelling so that I couldn't figure out just what the hell I would say to debate this. Part of the problem was that I knew already that I wouldn't be right with him. Considering how he presented his view of feminism, I would not be able to convey my enthusiasm and support for it without seeming like another man-hater looking to bitch about something and glad to have a group to say I belong to that will give me a coverup to do so. I noted a few points (angrily), but ultimately said, "I respect hat you're saying about it not being every man. It isn't every man, you are right. It is significantly more than 2%, though. I don't want to argue about this because I don't care to prove anything right now. Can we please change the subject?" It feels like such a cop out, but I didn't want to fight with him. I really hate this feeling like I'm losing friends and like I'm so wrong in believing these things. I'm not wrong for believing in and fighting for feminism.
Darryl, though, is a troubled one, I think. I've known him nearly as long as I've known Rob. I'm beginning to take the things he says less and less seriously, though. He claims to be a professional writer, and articulate. He was, when we first started out talking. He spelled everything correctly, used perfect grammar, etc. But as the years have gone by, he's become careless in his use of the English language. It makes me doubt his credibility as a "professional." At least he claimed to be a history teacher, and not an English teacher. He's also claimed to know Avril Lavigne and made a point to note that he helped her write one of her songs, as though that would impress me. It didn't. I find her insipid, stupid, and fucking lucky to be where she is today. The fact that she doesn't recognize how lucky she is to have those fans she hates, and takes everything she's received so much for granted pisses me off to no end. I've yet to see his credit in her liner notes for the song, though. Finally, there's the very serious topic of his recent court battle with his ex, Missy. Apparently, she's charged him with rape, which he obviously vehemently denies. I told him before that I believe him, but now I'm not so sure. He calls her evil, says she's a bitch, and I haven't heard her side of the story at all. Coupled with the recent realizations of his truth-withholdings, I'm almost at a point where I don't believe him. After having read the rape discussions at Ginmar's livejournal, I realize I may be facing the fact that a friend of mine is a rapist. I don't know how I'll deal with this. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will just cut contact with this "friend," as it seems he doesn't want to tell me the truth, I won't know the truth, and I don't need to be involved. Internet drama can remain that...on the internet, and thus, I can navigate away from that page. It's not my fight, and I don't want to be a part of it. I'll see what else happens with Darryl, but just sitting here, writing this, I'm pretty much coming to the conclusion that that is what will happen. I will disconnect from him. I hate to lose all these people I've known for years, but years acquainted don't equal infallability.
I talked with Mea for a long while last night; a lot about his life and a little bit about Rob. I would have gladly talked about Rob all night, but it seems Mea really needs somebody to share his stuff with. That's okay. I know how to listen as well as talk. I hope he's able to get through this stuff he's struggling with. Apparently he's moving to Philadelphia soon. Wow. I feel like everyone is speeding past me.
I wrote a commentary to my "Things That Turn Me On" comic this week, where I said that other things that turn me on include a male voice in a stern tone. Mea proceeded to change "male" to "deep." This really grates me, especially after having to change the text on my comic to be more conscious of trannies. It shouldn't bother me. I shouldn't be bitching about this. But when I wrote the comic and when I wrote the commentary, I wasn't doing it to comment on things that should turn other people on, but rather, "Things That Turn ME On." When I said, "I like trannies who try to be really girly, but are still so cutely butch," I wasn't trying to put off the trannies who are frustrated by such a situation, but rather saying, "Hey, I find this hot." And when I said a "male" voice...I meant a fucking male voice, not a deep voice. But like I said, I shouldn't complain. I'm really lucky to be a part of this site and I don't want to fuck up my chances just because I think I ought to be able to say one thing without it being changed to protect someone else's interests while ignoring my own. I want to be successful, and I see this as a stepping stone to that success. And if changing a few words means I don't have to argue my standpoint, then I guess it's not so bad. I hate having to argue my existence all the time.
I'm glad people don't read this, but at the same time, I'm glad I write it. It's become more and more therapeutic to just bitch into the nothingness of cyberspace and not worry about offending anyone. If I knew that people read this, I would worry about what my persona comes across as. I don't want to be seen as a bitch or as a poser or a loser or a wannabe. So I'm glad no one reads this to try and make that assumption about me for themselves.
Now I'm going to go try my hand at making a breakfast pizza for Dave when he gets home. He asked for it last night, and the homemade brownies I made came out so well, I can't help but try.
Family reunion Sunday. I'm making devilled eggs. I wish they'd give me a scholarship for looking cute. :p But I'm not in school, and the kids in school deserve that money more that me.
More later, maybe.
posted by sweetnfat at 5:05 PM
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