Under Attack
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I have so many things on my mind, when really, it should be at ease. I got my comic to Mea (basically) on time. We went over it today and he liked it. I had my job interview Monday. That went pretty well, I guess. I think it went really well, and I really want the job. I still haven't sent that letter to Rob, so I'm not fighting with him.
But for all the good things happening right now, I still have this sense of dread, a sense of desperation as though everything will fall apart in front of me. I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted (and after a sleepless night, physically). I'm really glad I got a couple months' worth of comics drawn and inked because I just don't feel like doing more of that right now.
I think a lot of this is a result of arguments I've witnessed and been a part of in the past few weeks. There was a troll on the ComeTogether board, and he was a particularly nasty, stupid one. I mean, I really shouldn't be affected by "...you dork. Grow up." but it hurts, you know? It hurts because I want to scream back and I want to prove I'm right, but there is no being right with a troll. A troll thinks he/she is the smartest, most important person alive, and their opinion or garbage talk is the only thing that matters. I shouldn't have even said what I said to him, which was basically, "Hey, you were already told to cut it out. You're just making it uncomfortable for everybody."
I've been reading Ginmar's livejournal obsessively and the trolls she gets are unbelievable. They travel in packs, I think. These close-minded sons of bitches just HAVE to be right about SOMETHING so that they can make up for whatever lack they posses, and thus they take a sort of "devil's advocate" to the debate and come up with these completely asinine arguments that really frighten me. Debates on stuff like rape, victim blaming, men's vicious hateful attitudes toward women, etc. And these creeps come in saying things like, "women who dress, act, live that way deserve to be raped," "men can't help it. Their sex drives are just bigger/better/more important than women's," and "women perpetuate mystery and confuse us with their mixed signals where yes means yes and no really means yes too, but how are we supposed to know, so we just figure everything means yes and take what we're entitled to." I'm really condensing all the conversations and arguments that have taken place, but it's still all there and it's still really frustrating. These guys think they're SO right, no matter what, but they don't believe they're trolls. That troll at ComeTogether said it point blank though! Unbelievable!
And Rob...oh good god, Rob. He's like a personal troll for me. Everything is an argument to him...and not just an argument, an ATTACK ON HIS CHARACTER AND VERY CORE IDEALS AND WAY OF LIFE AND WHY ARE YOU PICKING ON ME ALL THE TIME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH OMGLol11!!!!11!!111!!11! Okay, so he doesn't quite say it that way, but after 4 years, that's the jist. Reading and learning all this feminist stuff, I have to say I'm ashamed of myself for not having sent the letter yet. He needs it. But it would crush me to have him not take any of it to heart. I know the whole deal would hurt his feelings, and while I do and don't want that to happen, I don't want that to be the only result. I really want to teach him something about himself. But I know very well, he'd sit there blindly, and bitch and cry about how mean and horrible and wrong and sexist and ageist and assuming I am and not let a single thing I said even cross his radar as a personality possibility. He'd see it as, "She's just trying to attack my character like everyone does and she does everytime we talk, therefore, I should debunk her statements as things said by a meanie who's just being unfair to me." I was thinking today that maybe I should poke him again and talk to him and see if we can't have a civil conversation, and that maybe I was being too hard on him, maybe that letter wasn't called for...and then I thought, HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Why am I still defending him? Why isn't my opinion, my outlook valid in comparison to his? Is it just because he has the ability to bitch about it every time it comes into question, therefore making me back down and rethink my position? Or am I really wrong? No. I'm not really wrong, and it's taken a lot of time and thought to realize this. I just wish he would. He thinks he's so entitled to rightness all the time, that no matter what, his positions are infallible in arguments purely because of what he's been through and what he believes in. I'm really seeing now what a sexist pig he is, and I wish I could show him, but I know better than to try to start that argument. Just because I see it doesn't mean I can make him see it too.
C'est la vie, I suppose.
Like I said, I got my comic in to Mea during my sleepless night. We had to change the last bit of text to be, I don't know, more fair or something. I sort of care, but not enough to complain about it. I don't want to step on toes and hurt feelings, but at the same time, I hate having to walk on eggshells for every different little sect of sexuality. "This might offend these people, and this might offend these people." Blah blah blah. What about my needs? All these trolls recently have put me in such an argumentative, all around bitchy mood. I just want to be mean and right.
But I can't be. Especially not right.
God, people are so spoiled.
But for all the good things happening right now, I still have this sense of dread, a sense of desperation as though everything will fall apart in front of me. I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted (and after a sleepless night, physically). I'm really glad I got a couple months' worth of comics drawn and inked because I just don't feel like doing more of that right now.
I think a lot of this is a result of arguments I've witnessed and been a part of in the past few weeks. There was a troll on the ComeTogether board, and he was a particularly nasty, stupid one. I mean, I really shouldn't be affected by "...you dork. Grow up." but it hurts, you know? It hurts because I want to scream back and I want to prove I'm right, but there is no being right with a troll. A troll thinks he/she is the smartest, most important person alive, and their opinion or garbage talk is the only thing that matters. I shouldn't have even said what I said to him, which was basically, "Hey, you were already told to cut it out. You're just making it uncomfortable for everybody."
I've been reading Ginmar's livejournal obsessively and the trolls she gets are unbelievable. They travel in packs, I think. These close-minded sons of bitches just HAVE to be right about SOMETHING so that they can make up for whatever lack they posses, and thus they take a sort of "devil's advocate" to the debate and come up with these completely asinine arguments that really frighten me. Debates on stuff like rape, victim blaming, men's vicious hateful attitudes toward women, etc. And these creeps come in saying things like, "women who dress, act, live that way deserve to be raped," "men can't help it. Their sex drives are just bigger/better/more important than women's," and "women perpetuate mystery and confuse us with their mixed signals where yes means yes and no really means yes too, but how are we supposed to know, so we just figure everything means yes and take what we're entitled to." I'm really condensing all the conversations and arguments that have taken place, but it's still all there and it's still really frustrating. These guys think they're SO right, no matter what, but they don't believe they're trolls. That troll at ComeTogether said it point blank though! Unbelievable!
And Rob...oh good god, Rob. He's like a personal troll for me. Everything is an argument to him...and not just an argument, an ATTACK ON HIS CHARACTER AND VERY CORE IDEALS AND WAY OF LIFE AND WHY ARE YOU PICKING ON ME ALL THE TIME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH OMGLol11!!!!11!!111!!11! Okay, so he doesn't quite say it that way, but after 4 years, that's the jist. Reading and learning all this feminist stuff, I have to say I'm ashamed of myself for not having sent the letter yet. He needs it. But it would crush me to have him not take any of it to heart. I know the whole deal would hurt his feelings, and while I do and don't want that to happen, I don't want that to be the only result. I really want to teach him something about himself. But I know very well, he'd sit there blindly, and bitch and cry about how mean and horrible and wrong and sexist and ageist and assuming I am and not let a single thing I said even cross his radar as a personality possibility. He'd see it as, "She's just trying to attack my character like everyone does and she does everytime we talk, therefore, I should debunk her statements as things said by a meanie who's just being unfair to me." I was thinking today that maybe I should poke him again and talk to him and see if we can't have a civil conversation, and that maybe I was being too hard on him, maybe that letter wasn't called for...and then I thought, HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Why am I still defending him? Why isn't my opinion, my outlook valid in comparison to his? Is it just because he has the ability to bitch about it every time it comes into question, therefore making me back down and rethink my position? Or am I really wrong? No. I'm not really wrong, and it's taken a lot of time and thought to realize this. I just wish he would. He thinks he's so entitled to rightness all the time, that no matter what, his positions are infallible in arguments purely because of what he's been through and what he believes in. I'm really seeing now what a sexist pig he is, and I wish I could show him, but I know better than to try to start that argument. Just because I see it doesn't mean I can make him see it too.
C'est la vie, I suppose.
Like I said, I got my comic in to Mea during my sleepless night. We had to change the last bit of text to be, I don't know, more fair or something. I sort of care, but not enough to complain about it. I don't want to step on toes and hurt feelings, but at the same time, I hate having to walk on eggshells for every different little sect of sexuality. "This might offend these people, and this might offend these people." Blah blah blah. What about my needs? All these trolls recently have put me in such an argumentative, all around bitchy mood. I just want to be mean and right.
But I can't be. Especially not right.
God, people are so spoiled.
posted by sweetnfat at 10:05 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home