Shooting Star

I haven’t posted in a long time because I’ve been scared to. T’ain’t right.
I ain’t right.
What I did to Dave, talking to Josh, it wasn’t right. I was really selfish. I have a million things to say about the whole thing, but all that ever comes out is “I’m sorry.” I’m really lucky, really fucking lucky that he’s willing to deal with me and work through my bullshit. I wish I didn’t have bullshit to work through. He called me on my bullshit…I don’t really know what to think of that. People don’t do that to me. I can’t lie to him. He’ll know. It’s different.
I lie to everybody, you know? But not to him, now. I didn’t want to lie to him to begin with. I did, though. I fucking lied. I don’t know if I was thinking or not. I didn’t want him to think worse of me for not having gotten rid of Josh from my list, from my life. And I want to pose the question: Why couldn’t I just have done that? I wasn’t thinking about Dave. I was thinking just about me and what I wanted, not about him and his feelings and how my actions would affect him. So, I lied…I gave him a different name and swore it to be the truth. Right to his face. What the fuck.
I’m lucky.
I’m real lucky.
I won’t do that to anyone again.
I’m so sorry, Dave. I’m so sorry for what I did, and for lying, and for not treating you right. I’m sorry I forgot that you love me. I’m sorry I forgot that I love you. Okay, so now that’s all in the open.

In other news, Buddy hasn’t been doing so great lately. Last week, we watched him have a seizure, and I had a less than fun trip to the vet’s with the kitty. The kitty is “infested with fleas”, despite the fact that I’ve been checking for such things…I guess I don’t know what the hell I’m looking for. I love that they use that terminology, too: “infested.” As though I’ve rolled him around in a swarm of the things intentionally. Anyway, they haven’t said one way or another what may be causing the seizures, but I got some pills, and they seem to be doing the trick. Poor Buddy boy was really scared of stuff, and was spacy and crazy, but the pills seem to mellow him out and normalize him a little more…and there are no more seizures. It’s nice to see. Poor boy. He needs me to hug him a lot lately. I think he’s scared and confused, and I wish I could just make it all better.
The whole vet trip was really expensive…crazily so. I’m such a dummy. They kept mentioning all these tests we could do, and I don’t have brains enough to say, “Does this have anything to do with the seizures?” It would have saved me tons of money if I had. I wish I’d had somebody smart with me…Meggy or somebody. Next time, I think. The people at the vet’s made me feel like a bad kitty parent, and like a general moron. I’m doing the best I can for that kitty, what with my income and knowledge of pet care. I know they’re just trained to do that to sell me stuff, but…grr. I’ll try to put my backbone in the next time I go.

The job hunt is dismal. 1 call out of 20 applications filled out…my hands are tired. I’m so scared, too. Everytime I picture myself in the position I’m applying for, I get that awful nervous feeling I got at T-Mobile, and I just want to run away to a safe place. Luckily for me, nobody seems to want to fucking hire me. Whooopie. :p
I’m going to keep trying, though. I’m giving Dave money now, but I don’t have any put aside…it keeps getting spent on that damn car. I owe my parents 300 dollars still for the insurance payment. I’m so glad they’re patient with me, but I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like every extra thing I even consider buying is a mortal sin with my debt. Like…that dollar you spent on that soda could’ve been put toward what you owe your parents, or put in the bank. *sigh* I’ve just got to keep going, keep trying. It’s tough, but I feel like there’s a way out somewhere, I just can’t see it yet. I’ve cut back A LOT on the extraneous stuff, even if no one’s noticed. No online shopping, no lunch out, no extra travel…is it helping?
In the meantime, I really have a soft spot for my job at Burkettville, even with all the silly, petty bullshit. I like my job there. I don’t want it to be a crutch for me for the rest of my life, that I feel like I can only work there forever and ever…but all the same, I really love it sometimes. A lot, lately. I feel like I’ve got a good grip on things, and I’ve got a good thing going. What’s so bad about liking your job, even if it is making pizza all day long? Blah blah blah, I know, I know…responsibility, the real world, blah blah. I kind of like feeling like I like my job, though.

Bah, please don’t even ask about the comic. I keep finding ways to distract myself from it. It makes me feel so bad to do that. I have a meeting with Jon Thursday, and I know he won’t be happy with my non-progress. I can’t say I’ll get better because I don’t know that I will. I really want to make it work, I do…I just…I get scared of my own inability…I keep thinking it’s not measuring up, and that I should quit while I’m behind…but I don’t put it away…I keep it out there on that table and let it nag at me for as long as it takes. By the way, Dave was super-cool enough to build me the stand I’d been dreaming of, to tilt my lightbox up toward me and negate the hunchback syndrome I was getting, so…round of applause to my man! I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself about what it should be and what it could be, and just let it be, I think. Everytime I look at the pages I’ve finished or that I’m working on, I keep thinking, “Oh, it should look more like this…why can’t I make it look more like this?” I need to cut that out and just put it out there and get better as I go along. Fucking perfectionist in the wrong places, that’s what I am. Additionally…I have many sideprojects that are distracting me. I like the whole crocheting thing, but it’s cutting into my comic time. EQII is a bit time-consuming, but I’m gonna let that one slide a lot because it’s quality time with Dave, and it’s important to him, so it’s important to me. I’ll figure out how to manage my time someday. Isn’t that what grownups do?

I’ve been downloading a lot of anime fansubs lately. Hurray for the internet. Here’s a rundown of my viewings:
Peach Girl is fluffy and cute, though not altogether unenjoyable. I think the dynamics aren’t so much “angsty”, as they are “confused, loud teen-y”. I can respect the way that Momo deals with her relationship with Kiley, but I hate it all the same. I remember being the girl trying to vie for the affections of a man who loved another woman (in this case, every other woman), and feeling like “being #2 is okay for now, so long as he’ll love me later”. But that’s such a toxic way to treat yourself. I was hoping that Momo would snap out of it and get a backbone, and stop living her life based on the decisions of two young, stupid boys. She’s got a lot going for her that doesn’t involve men. It’s a point of contention with the new, improved, feminist me. Maybe the end of the series holds hope for my wishes. Here’s to you, Momo…don’t sell yourself short as just being for a man.
Doki Doki Denetsu Mahoujin Guru Guru continues my beloved series in all its cute glory. I think this updated continuation of the original Mahoujin Guru Guru is great. The voices are super close, if not the originals. The character interactions and traits are all smooth and consistent with the original series. And the comedy is more than admirable. I heart this series. A joy to watch. I’m awaiting my batch download of the original series to finish (99.99% for one week and counting…fucking Shareaza), so that I can compare the two more easily. Not disappointed thus far, though…in fact, totally entertained.
Great Detectives Poirot and Marple is beginning to grate on my nerves. Okay, so I haven’t watched an entire episode of the batch I just downloaded, but I’m fairly certain that I got the gist from the first nine. This series is a terrible disservice to mysteries. It and Detective Conan lead me to believe that anime does not do the mystery genre well at all. I don’t think Agatha Christie would have appreciated the addition of Maybelle and her obnoxious be-ribboned duckling tagging along on every “mystery”, if they may be called that. The language of the series is interesting to listen to, since it’s supposed to take place in England. Many many butchered words in that series. Fun to listen to…getting rather annoying to watch, though. The mysteries are set up so that you aren’t so much solving the case as you are getting the clues too late.
Ippatu Kikimusume…goddamnit. What the hell did I just watch?
Kappa no kaikata is another one of those nine-minute series I keep finding. I don’t really understand this trend, but I don’t hate it, either. It’s easier to watch series, I’m finding, when you’re only watching 9 minutes an episode. This series is a bit crazy, but I find myself loving the kappa. I especially love Chii-chan. They saw me coming when they created him. Oh my god, that’s just too cute. He’s a big ol’ kappa who scares everybody, but his master is a little kindergartener, and he loves trumpets…oh my god, I want a Chii-chan! He’s cuter than the obviously supposed to be cute Kataan. I love to watch Kataan get punished, though…haha. Naughty Kappa.
Moving right along, we come to Peach Girl, the Taiwanese drama version. Oh my god, I’m still not through a whole episode of this. It moves SO SLOWLY. IS IT OVER YET? MY GOD. But it’s interesting to compare it to the original Japanese manga/anime. The characters’ names and many of the circumstances changed, but it’s pretty easy to catch the similarities. Momo is now Xiao Tao, who is kind of plain looking, if a little bug-eyed, but she seems to be fitting this version of the character. Xiao Tao doesn’t complain as much about being darker skinned than other girls, rather she’s too tall, though the skin thing is mentioned by the boys. Apparently, she dresses sluttily too. Sae is now (princess) Sha Hui. I get that she’s just the school princess, and everybody adores her and all…I still think it’s cute that she’s got such devoted followers. Sha Hui is really more subversive than Sae…she needs a cackle, I think. I wasn’t sure she was Sae to begin with, except for the barrettes in the hair. Toji is Dong Shi, a quiet, reserved photographer with the more obvious hots for Xiao Tao. I like that Dong Shi is so enamored of her, since she feels the same way about him. Toji is a rather boring, unlikable character, especially next to Dong Shi. Kiley is now A Li, the resident pinup boy/rocker/every girl’s dream. He’s got a flock a mile long, and 400 decibels too loud. Good god, those girls never shut up. His character is a totally toned-down version of Kiley. I hope he gets silly and crazy…I was starting to like that about the guy. Who knows if I’ll get through the four episodes of this that I have…it’s SO slowly paced….It’s rather tiring. Maybe just for curiosity’s sake.
Maria-sama ga Miteru continues to be dry, boring and confusing. Why should I care who is whose petite soeur? Why is Yumi such a ditz? Guh. I’m gonna finish this damn thing cause I started it, but I won’t like it, damnit.
I’m beginning to lose my love for Creamy Mami. Yuu is a brat. Yuu is a spoiled, uncaring, ungrateful brat and Mami ain’t that interesting…and all the little sexist comments….I may be done with this one soon.
Mahou no Star Magical Emi was an even worse version of Creamy Mami. Go 80’s anime. Crap.
And finally, this all brings me to Mahou Shojoutai Arusu(Alice). Okay…this one has got me up in the air. I adore the nine minute format, and especially that it doesn’t follow the same “instructional video” format as the other shorter series I followed. The animation is weird, but pretty smooth. I love Ateria-sama’s character design. The character dynamics were a bit off, though. When Renon-chan made the scene and it was discovered that he wasn’t a she; he was Alice’s half-brother; and he was abandoned by both his parents to float along the void of nothingness between the human and magic world, everyone just sort of reacted as though, “Oh. Yeah. Huh. Yeah, that’s what happened, alright. So, about this book…” Guh, what???! Renon-chan gets the short end of every stick in this series. Poor Renon. I love that they made Eva the dark magic witch in the end. They totally eluded to it, but never made it clear. It also could have been Renon or Ateria, with the way they worded everything. Fucking great. I love twists like that. But the ending of the whole series was the biggest disappointment for me…It was as they always are, leading up to nothing. Like taking in a deep breath and then belching. Alice goes back to the human world…and realizes that she has to give Eva-chan sweet chestnuts to break her of her depression? Some hikari no mahou that is. :p Still, though…for whatever reason I can find, I would recommend this series for a watch. I think it was pretty worth it, despite the obvious frustrations. It’s really different and flows really well.
I’ve got a whole bunch more anime in queue, too. If anyone’s interested in more reviews, I’d be more than happy to share.

Sorry about the casualness of this post…but…I guess I needed an update, you know? I think I can get back into the swing of things now that I’ve covered this ground.
Additionally, I want to sing again. And not just to myself.