Stuck
Friday couldn't get here any more slowly.
The drama I'm feeling and living right now is just about killing me, too. It's so utterly ridiculous that I feel this way. I mean, come on, I'm supposed to be young, this is supposed to be the easiest time in my life.
But everything is scaring the shit out of me.
Everything I draw looks like utter crap to me, which makes my hands shake when I think about future ComeTogether updates. How am I supposed to give Mea nothing?
Also on the drawing front is Peter. When I think about him, I see the project as a beacon of hope, like fame and easier living and easier decisions lying just beyond the horizon. But the dread is there too. What if I can't get this off the ground? What if Jon gets too busy to work with me? What if I don't get out of this art slump? What if "real life" takes over, crushes me, and I never get to fulfill this dream? I've got to continue, though. Peter's seeming like my last and only hope.
I wish the job I'm waiting on would just call me already. This stress of waiting is ridiculous. I keep fantasizing that I'll get it and I'll have money and Dave won't give me those looks like he's frustrated with me. I fantasize that I'll be able to do that and Peter and someday soon I'll be able to do just Peter. But I try to hold off on the fantasies a bit too. I can feel the pain of being denied this job already. It's like it's bound to happen, that I'll be turned down. I don't know what I'll do when that happens. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be utterly crushed. I've been thinking lately too, that if I don't get this job, I should consider moving back home with my parents. It seems like the only logical thing to do. Jobs are opening up down there, nothing's up here, and I'm just a huge burden on Dave. I have no money and I don't know how to ask my parents to help me. Then again, I don't know if I should ask my parents to help me. I dread the lectures, so I avoid the subjects. I'm not like my sister; I don't think my parents owe me anything and I never ask them for money. I don't know at all what I'll do from here on out.
Some of my friends are getting creepier and creepier while others are seeming more and more pathetic. Seems most of my online male friends are that classic kind of sexist that I've been trying to watch out for. Why didn't this come up before? Did I just not see it? Is this a new thing for them? And what do I do about it? Certainly it can't continue that they should see women as objects for their pleasure. Looks like I'm going to lose from friends at some point soon. Another friend is having girlfriend troubles, and Lord, does he bring them upon himself. What in the fuck is so special about his girlfriend that he stays with her? She's treating him like shit and he's debating throwing her out. Good lord, Ken, just do it! If she breaks up with him for it, instead of doing some inner searching and realization, then it's her loss, and a big one. I doubt many other men would put up with her bullshit.
More later. It's fucking cold in here
The drama I'm feeling and living right now is just about killing me, too. It's so utterly ridiculous that I feel this way. I mean, come on, I'm supposed to be young, this is supposed to be the easiest time in my life.
But everything is scaring the shit out of me.
Everything I draw looks like utter crap to me, which makes my hands shake when I think about future ComeTogether updates. How am I supposed to give Mea nothing?
Also on the drawing front is Peter. When I think about him, I see the project as a beacon of hope, like fame and easier living and easier decisions lying just beyond the horizon. But the dread is there too. What if I can't get this off the ground? What if Jon gets too busy to work with me? What if I don't get out of this art slump? What if "real life" takes over, crushes me, and I never get to fulfill this dream? I've got to continue, though. Peter's seeming like my last and only hope.
I wish the job I'm waiting on would just call me already. This stress of waiting is ridiculous. I keep fantasizing that I'll get it and I'll have money and Dave won't give me those looks like he's frustrated with me. I fantasize that I'll be able to do that and Peter and someday soon I'll be able to do just Peter. But I try to hold off on the fantasies a bit too. I can feel the pain of being denied this job already. It's like it's bound to happen, that I'll be turned down. I don't know what I'll do when that happens. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be utterly crushed. I've been thinking lately too, that if I don't get this job, I should consider moving back home with my parents. It seems like the only logical thing to do. Jobs are opening up down there, nothing's up here, and I'm just a huge burden on Dave. I have no money and I don't know how to ask my parents to help me. Then again, I don't know if I should ask my parents to help me. I dread the lectures, so I avoid the subjects. I'm not like my sister; I don't think my parents owe me anything and I never ask them for money. I don't know at all what I'll do from here on out.
Some of my friends are getting creepier and creepier while others are seeming more and more pathetic. Seems most of my online male friends are that classic kind of sexist that I've been trying to watch out for. Why didn't this come up before? Did I just not see it? Is this a new thing for them? And what do I do about it? Certainly it can't continue that they should see women as objects for their pleasure. Looks like I'm going to lose from friends at some point soon. Another friend is having girlfriend troubles, and Lord, does he bring them upon himself. What in the fuck is so special about his girlfriend that he stays with her? She's treating him like shit and he's debating throwing her out. Good lord, Ken, just do it! If she breaks up with him for it, instead of doing some inner searching and realization, then it's her loss, and a big one. I doubt many other men would put up with her bullshit.
More later. It's fucking cold in here
posted by sweetnfat at 8:44 PM
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